The Smell of Books

Well, here I am sitting upon my bed getting ready to read a new book I just bought. Yep, that’s right, I bought a book. The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, Mormon Scientist. I was sitting upon my bed less than an hour ago pondering upon life and trying to figure out where I need to go and what I need to do when I had the sudden urge to walk through a book store. Not many know this and it is slightly strange I know because I am not much of a reader but I absolutely love walking around book stores more than any other stores there are. I think it is the atmosphere that is absolutely appealing, they are always so quiet and orderly, not to mention they have a distinct smell which I secretly love..weird. So, I often walk up and down the rows of books picking out a few and maybe reading a page or two than moving on to the next one that catches my eye. But this time I actually bought one, one I truly intend to read all the way through this time. I think I secretly have a deep seeded desire to read all sorts of books because I am attracted to them in every way I can think of. I think it is this person inside of me that I am yearning to be but am too blinded by the dubious rigmarole of life. I struggle with so many aspects of this world I live in. I love this world but I just can’t get it right. I don’t know how to live in it properly and make it work for me. I would like to think that my inner sincerity, regardless of my slow, improperly functioning body will eventually pay off one of these days. When everything just falls into place and is just right and I can continue unhindered to progress along this highway of life. I think now is a good time to admit that I truly do have a slight handicap. I’ve been trying to get people for years to believe that I have a mild speech impediment but alas I am also slightly slower than the regular folk. I think it has to do with years of not sleeping properly. All I know is most of the time I just want to put my head down and have someone pull my hair. It works great for headaches; just trust me on this one. I am what I am though and I truly would never want to be anyone else even though I wish I were better at certain things that I am not very good at. Well, my dear readers, thank you for your silent support and goodness. Any time I write it just feels good inside because I know that regardless of my exterior demons, I can write about goodness, and I truly hope I have touched someone by the things that I’ve written.

I, like everyone else just want to be happy. That’s all.

Who I Am

Who I Am

As I watch the sun dip down below
The horizon when it leaves my sky
I wonder if it waves hello
To another who sees it like I.

The stars I am so truly fond
Of the way they twinkle silently,
I wish sometimes I could respond
And I hope sometimes they gaze at me.

I, like the lake am full of weeds,
But I hope I reflect an image clear
To any who look into me
Of who they want to be so near.

And O, the moon in its glory,
It loves to sooth the weary stressed,
And write to them a true story
Filled with peace and needed rest.

O, now I see, O, now I know
Why the stars twinkle and shine,
And why the sun dips down below
The profoundly drawn horizon line.

And why the lake reflects so true
And why the moon aids from afar
I know why those things now they do
Because that is who each one they are.

If only I had something grand,
Something special that made up me,
Maybe then I’d see who I am,
And who I could so truly be.

-Jacob Winterfeldt

Letter to the Universe

You know, I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. That comforted this burden somewhat and an awkward smile crossed my lips as I sighed slightly from the somewhat ridiculous task I’ve been assigned to manage. It seems that the sheer mass of the outcome from what would shortly come to pass based off of my unlearned decisions didn’t press upon me with its full weight because of that very reason. Either everything would still be, or it wouldn’t, and none would be a critic nor could be of my attempt to save everything that is. Also, I figured that if there is any reasoning to this whole fate slash destiny thing then if I truly tried my best, which I absolutely intended to do anyway, then the very fabric of space itself would lend its infinite helping hand so that I would ultimately end up saving the universe from utter annihilation. But if destiny is no such thing then I figured I’ve got about a fifty fifty chance of making sure all of humanity and any other bits or forms of life throughout our universe would be able to wake up tomorrow morning as if nothing ever occurred. No one would ever know either way I thought. How could they? I was slightly un-intimidated by this calling of mine until my mind caught hold upon a somewhat disturbing thought. What really will happen if I fail? Everything is gone, right? Well, what if there is an afterlife that exists on a finer plain than what we can see here. I didn’t much like the thought of being eternally blamed by the intelligences of countless souls for letting all of their physical, eternal elemental existence be destroyed within a blink of an eye. But hey, if there is life after death then there has to be some sort of an infinite God utilizing an all intelligible form of knowing and perfect controlling of all substance in any fashion, so my soon to be endeavors have to ultimately end up saving the universe…there is no other option. It must be my divine duty to perform this task. It must be my destiny, right? So why should I even worry if that is the case. Well, up until now, you know I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. Uhh…Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to know it without blatantly thinking and acting like it will happen, and even being afraid slightly that I might mess up. That’s how this whole thing works I just realized. Like a light or something flicked on in my mind. I can’t be arrogant about it yet I have to know it. I can’t just stroll into this endeavor half heartedly because I believe the universe will be fine even though I know it will. I have to persuade the very makeup of everything with my true sincerity, my sincere desire that the universe won’t just zip out of existence from my own mistakes. This just put a little bit more pressure upon my mind and my heart. It’s almost like this is a very unique paradox, one that I can’t quite explain but rather feel, a paradox that perfectly exists and balances out all of creation. That’s it, I have to love. I have to truly love the people that might not exist tomorrow. It’s love that is the paradox in which all things are and can exist and continue. And there has to be an ultimate love to keep it perfectly balanced which I can only image now must have carried with it an equal amount of un-love, or unrest or suffering, which as of now I truly can’t imagine how that must have been performed or carried out. It must have been incredible. I, at this point don’t understand its completeness but I think I understand the basic concept of it and it curiously has brought with it a burden that I think now that I need. How great will this burden become as I continue on with my coming choices I do not know, but I know that I must now at least solemnly keep on proceeding towards this event of incomprehensible consequence. I don’t know how to explain it any clearer then how I have put it, so it is up to those of you whom I truly hope will be able to read this tomorrow to feel the meanings of my words that I’ve written now by pondering upon this paradox of sincere love. I leave this letter with you now in hopes that it will be read in the coming days. I have a duty to perform now and I’m grateful for my new insight upon my approaching decisions. You know, I’ve never thought much about God… But I think He must love us.