Old New Blog Transfer

Below this post is the old blog. Above is its new life. Appreciate and remember the old, but welcome and look forward to the new.


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Downright Honesty

Downright honesty.

It is so difficult to say the right things when presented with an opportunity to speak my mind. When there is something important coming I often rehearse over and over again the things I would like to say, only to, when the time is come blurt out half sentences followed by medium lengthen pauses which so “gracefully” flow into my next half spoken dialogue of the next piece of information I wanted to portray. Ultimately this ends up with me standing there trying not to stutter but doing it anyway while the other person so gently tries to understand my half brained thoughts, which were a fluent masterpiece of astounding proportions when I collaborated them in my head just moments before. Yes, it is frustrating, but alas, I do go on regardless of my flaws.
Yes, I do go on despite how I feel. Why do we feel certain ways though? I don’t know. This thing perplexes me because sometimes I feel so alright inside, like everything is ok, but other times it still feels like there is a bottomless pit in my chest that sucks away all the peace from me. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be fine one moment then out of nowhere I’ve got to deal with this crushing pressure that sits on my chest like ten thousand tons. It’s like I can’t breathe and I’m not alright inside but I continue to go on. I don’t know if it’s guilt from things I’ve done in the past or if my mind simply produces the wrong proportions of chemicals and peptides which cause me to feel horrible about myself for no good reason. This is what depression is and a whole slew of other problems, yet the only remedies I’ve found are to star gaze and to write. These things sooth my chest and make me happy to be alive and I suppose they’ll have to do until I find a permanent cure. Maybe this thing is a blessing in disguise but I want so badly to never feel this horrible way again. Maybe I’ll lose sight of those good things if I don’t feel this way once in a while. I know I would because I always lose sight of what is right when things are going great for me. I do lose sight when I’m not obligated to seek for the stars and pen my follies in my lowliness. I start to do things that truly aren’t me when I am confident about myself. I become prideful and not honest with whom I am and desire to be. I never want to forget my friends in the sky but maybe this is my biggest trial, learning how to continually be blest and continue to stay honest with myself at the same time. I think that that is the ultimate balance of power for a soul. There is opposition in all things and in all entities and when a person exercises a darkness from them it propels itself onto something else in the universe, usually something close to the person which is why we need to stay close to those we love and strengthen those around us as often as we can. This is an eternal truth. This is why there is a rising force of calamity in the world whenever the righteous become stronger in faith. The stronger a person becomes the more another is tried because the negative force in one’s life that was purged has to go somewhere, but there does not have to be an equal amount of good and evil on Earth at the same time, because ultimately Earth is likened to a living entity like us as well and it will eventually be strengthened to the point where darkness can’t abide here anymore and it will be cast off into the eternal voids in the universe to ravage whatever mumbo jumbo they find out there. It is all an incredibly intricate scale from even the smallest ant to the grand scale of the universe which in my mind is fascinating because I only see a flying jet of statistics that beam back and forth which makes sense in my head. It makes sense but it’s not like I have one thought that leads to another thought that helps me understand it, it’s more like instead of individual thoughts firing together to make a larger picture my whole brain is the thought and it just works without me having to go through all of the small monotonous work of trying to figure it out…
Sorry, I was not planning on ranting like that but it just came out so easily. It’s time for breakfast; I need to eat more healthily these days. When it comes down to anything I know I’ll be alright because I know my heart is understood by what is true, and really, why would I want to be understood by anything else? And when, at the end of my life, regardless of things I’ve accomplished or not I know that I’ll be able to say that I was honest in this life even though I did struggle, I loved with all my heart, and I did all I could to lift others up around me. So, I hope one day it’ll be recognized and this crushing weight that plagues my chest often will be taken from me and will be replaced by something that can heal and sooth on a more consistent level. I am alright though because I know what is true, even though it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Even though I don’t get it sometimes I’ll never doubt the power of prayer and what a sincere desire can accomplish. There is nothing more powerful then sincerity. Have a sincere heart, lose your fear, and miracles are born.
Well, I’ve got to eat something now but before I go I want to try an experiment. I really do believe that we create our world around us every day by our desires and thoughts. I believe the small world that surrounds us in every way gives us what we want if we are sincere in heart. So, today I want a fresh outlook on what it is that I should do, I want a continued clear perspective on those things most important to me, I want to be happy. I believe this really is what prayer is. It is simply a form of true meditation, true reflection done in the name of a being that the small world around us recognizes as the ultimate authority in the universe. If there is anything else I know it’s that God works in very, very small ways over the course of a very, very long time. It is how we learn, it is how those enlightened learn because it requires a degree of humility to see beyond the here and now.
Alright, I’ve really got to go now, but just know that it’s always fun and I hope someone gets something out of this mess of words. Take care everyone and goodbye. Thanks.

Just know I will...

I woke up this morning and I wanted to run, so I rolled out of bed, got down on the floor and meditated for a half hour. Then I ate a bowl of some generic strawberry flake cereal that I found in the far corners of my pantry and then I jogged to wal mart. I can’t say I’ve ever just ran just to run. I’ve hiked often but I really enjoyed this jogging thing. There is something about those types of activities that really put things into perspective and help the mind come to crisper conclusions. It’s true that I’m not sure I know why I do half of the things I do most of the time, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why other people do anything. I don’t mean I don’t know why people do things but I don’t understand why people do the specific things they choose to do. We are all just people and that’s why we simply can’t judge others. People will be people and that’s how it will always be so there is no point in making life harder by being judgmental and proud. We only live this life one day at a time and each day we can choose to do something great or just sit back and watch our dreams pass us by. There are things in this life worth being a little crazy for and worth stepping out and trying to snatch by maneuvering out of our bubble. Then there are other things that we want that simply aren’t worth our time that only blind us from having what it is that we truly desire. I feel sorry for the person who lets those most precious things slip out of their lives, because I know how it feels and I don’t want anybody to ever feel how I did. Nothing is worth losing a true happiness, but the saddest thing is so many of us only learn this lesson by losing it in the first place. I have always wondered if my prayers really do anything for those I pray for. I suppose they must because that’s why I pray. I pray for those I love, even those whom I’ll never see again. Maybe I shouldn’t though, but I only wonder who is to decide what is appropriate to say in a prayer. Who are we to pray for? I think it comes down to the very spirit itself which should decide. I believe there are literal angels that listen to our prayers and send help to those we desire to be safe and happy. I believe this because I know people have prayed for me and I’ve felt those angels in my life. If only I could be all the time worthy for those angels to guide me in the right direction and to touch my life so I can touch other’s lives in a similar fashion. I want so badly to simply be freed from all those things that drag me down. I really don’t want anything more than that because once I can feel that type of freedom then I’ll be able to receive all the blessings that Heavenly Father wishes me to have. How can I find my way in this world if the world has no way for me? How can I find those who are true if I follow those who aren’t? Why do I continue to choose things that hurt me? I only want what’s good and others should too. How can I pray for another to find peace when I myself am struggling with the same problem? I feel like I need to do something with this blog. There are so many things written here that only take me to a time I need to move on from. I’m not going to remove it but I will implement a password soon. Maybe one day I’ll open it up again for any who remember it. Though I know there have been some crazy things written here, for the most part this blog is who I am. It contains some of the most intimate parts of me and describes a life I so desire. The words are me because they come from my mind and heart. They are what I love, they are what I desire, they are what I believe to be good as far as I know what goodness is. Heaven knows who these words have reached because I certainly don’t but I believe they have reached some. I believe they have helped many through those few they have reached like a ripple which affects every other ripple around them. I’ll leave it open for about a week before I put a password on it for any who are wondering. Even though I’ll still have it I feel like I’m saying goodbye to… goodbye to someone, someone who might be out there that I’ve helped in some way or another. Just know I’ll continue to write because writing is what I have that consoles me. It sooths and helps me in every way there is. This is me, this is who I am, and even though I don’t like to stop something that’s good, good isn’t good enough when there is something better. Thank you everyone that I know who has helped me, because heaven knows I’ve needed help. I am grateful for everyone in my life and only wish the best for them. Goodbye my close friends. I love you all, goodbye.

The prose of a man who befriended the Heavens

The prose of a man who befriended the Heavens

“If only I had a Urim and Thummim so I could translate the heavens into words I could understand. They speak though profoundly and the wishes of my heart seem near when I listen carefully. Why do they seem near when they be far away? Is it merely a comforter or do they truly speak the words that shall be? Maybe I just don’t understand yet, maybe I’ve not lived long enough to witness fulfillment of my sincere desires. Maybe this is a time for preparing for those profound grants. Maybe the Lord works in grander ways then I can even start fathoming to fathom. I know that I can choose my path but I pray God has a path for me already waiting and cleared just for me. One that after I choose in my own good faith will be there and peace will rain down from the sky and like the droplet I’ll be able to hold it in my hands and act how Christ did when He wiped away my tears. I am a wanderer in the earth for now. I seek a straight road that cuts through the tangled harvest. I seek a light that sheens through the confusing mists. I’ve seen it before so I know it is there but I became lost in strange roads that twist and fade into dusty fields where there is no direction or water. These baron fields tried to have me believe that there is no definitive road that leads to eternal joy and that the worms under my feet are all there is. In this place I not only found myself utterly lost but I lost that peace of which I spoke, which it itself is the most precious thing there is to have. So now I pray, I pray that the writing in the sky will lead me back to that straight road where I can find true happiness, where I can travel not at lightning speed but at the speed at which is granted for me to have peace. Then is the place where I will learn how to become as the light where I can shine to those who are afraid and unsure of where to turn. I’ll write in similar fashion as my divine teacher who is the night sky and I’ll let my words hint and comfort in little whispers as does he. I will not be afraid to write what is true, for, I’ve only been given truth by the stars and they are whom I emulate. They comforted me in my time of desperate need and now I will try to do the same for those who desire something more, something grander then the world which lies in a fog that tries to block out those comforting, subtle hints of truth and peace. The world loudly throws itself at you to try and cause your attention to look over that which is quiet and lovely. I know why the heavens are what they are now. They are they because they could no longer stand in the midst of the world. So now, their quiet demeanor yet their pure grandeur is only beheld by those who might glance up softly once and awhile because they start to lose what they previously considered their fondest love or their way of life in this foggy world, it’s those who look for something they simply cannot receive in their world until they search in a place where they are so inherently attracted to be. All the while the heavens hope and pray for company. They pray that someone will see their humbly brilliant light. They could never throw themselves at those who they desire, for, it stands in utter confliction to whom they are. They quietly shine and let those who yearn for a wonderful peace to search them out and find them. Those are the relationships that last. Those are the ones that go beyond mere physicality and stretch into the heart. This type of genuine love is what the heavens have mastered in their complete subjection and humility. And they understand that those who soon will feel as they, will glance up and desire more as well. They wait patiently for company and I’m sure they weep often when no one shows up at their door. Yet they are beautiful. If I am the only one this night to give tribute to the grandeur and incredible patience of the heavens then I will still give tribute. My feet will trod the earth but my heart will stand in the midst of those stars that hold it more gently then I have ever felt before. I will find my road that leads to peace and I will write as I go, for, write is what I heard from those heavens in my time of need. And to me, if there is any miracle that I’ve seen this far it is just that very thing. Vivid as red I was told to write from innumerable prayers. I only wonder how many others this answer throughout the grand history of this world has touched. Many I’m sure who sought simply nothing more than to have the will of the Lord implemented in their sorrows at the time. I wonder as well how many marvelous works, how many masterpieces have been composed and penned because a soul had nothing else in the world but the words themselves of which they found solace. The heavens are only a reflecting pool of the soul. One can see himself in the eternities that stretch throughout all of endlessness. There is where lies God, the Alpha and Omega, the Genesis of all things and the End of all things. This is where our potential is but in this world we see only this world before us and we seek for temporary gifts that give only temporary happiness. I will gratefully endure the pains of this world one hundred fold if it means that lasting peace will find me one of these days. I only pray my God deems me worthy of this gift so great. This gift so endlessly genuine it breaks down all walls and corrodes away all pride so that this gift can endure. I wish this thing beyond what wishes can hold. I live, I love, I am what I am and I will continue to be so. There is something special about these words that are written in the stars, something that helps those who look, to breathe more freely, and maybe, just maybe the heavens, like a compass direct and guide those who do look to others of like hearts who also feel those still yearning emotions. Maybe there is something more to the night sky then twinkling little lights. I know there is and to those who say there is not, I say you cannot deny its beauty. And when one realizes its beauty a soul cannot deny the feelings which stir the bosom in such an incredible way. This is the subtle little stirs of truth which mimic the subtle little twinkling’s of the stars. One can find themselves in those heavens and when they do they can find love which is what they themselves yearn for as well. It’s only when we find ourselves that they are honored, this is the purpose of the night sky, this is the love of the stars, and throughout all travail and sorrow which it conquers, I profess in all of the humility of my spirit that this is the grandest glory of the heavens!”