Downright Honesty

Downright honesty.

It is so difficult to say the right things when presented with an opportunity to speak my mind. When there is something important coming I often rehearse over and over again the things I would like to say, only to, when the time is come blurt out half sentences followed by medium lengthen pauses which so “gracefully” flow into my next half spoken dialogue of the next piece of information I wanted to portray. Ultimately this ends up with me standing there trying not to stutter but doing it anyway while the other person so gently tries to understand my half brained thoughts, which were a fluent masterpiece of astounding proportions when I collaborated them in my head just moments before. Yes, it is frustrating, but alas, I do go on regardless of my flaws.
Yes, I do go on despite how I feel. Why do we feel certain ways though? I don’t know. This thing perplexes me because sometimes I feel so alright inside, like everything is ok, but other times it still feels like there is a bottomless pit in my chest that sucks away all the peace from me. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be fine one moment then out of nowhere I’ve got to deal with this crushing pressure that sits on my chest like ten thousand tons. It’s like I can’t breathe and I’m not alright inside but I continue to go on. I don’t know if it’s guilt from things I’ve done in the past or if my mind simply produces the wrong proportions of chemicals and peptides which cause me to feel horrible about myself for no good reason. This is what depression is and a whole slew of other problems, yet the only remedies I’ve found are to star gaze and to write. These things sooth my chest and make me happy to be alive and I suppose they’ll have to do until I find a permanent cure. Maybe this thing is a blessing in disguise but I want so badly to never feel this horrible way again. Maybe I’ll lose sight of those good things if I don’t feel this way once in a while. I know I would because I always lose sight of what is right when things are going great for me. I do lose sight when I’m not obligated to seek for the stars and pen my follies in my lowliness. I start to do things that truly aren’t me when I am confident about myself. I become prideful and not honest with whom I am and desire to be. I never want to forget my friends in the sky but maybe this is my biggest trial, learning how to continually be blest and continue to stay honest with myself at the same time. I think that that is the ultimate balance of power for a soul. There is opposition in all things and in all entities and when a person exercises a darkness from them it propels itself onto something else in the universe, usually something close to the person which is why we need to stay close to those we love and strengthen those around us as often as we can. This is an eternal truth. This is why there is a rising force of calamity in the world whenever the righteous become stronger in faith. The stronger a person becomes the more another is tried because the negative force in one’s life that was purged has to go somewhere, but there does not have to be an equal amount of good and evil on Earth at the same time, because ultimately Earth is likened to a living entity like us as well and it will eventually be strengthened to the point where darkness can’t abide here anymore and it will be cast off into the eternal voids in the universe to ravage whatever mumbo jumbo they find out there. It is all an incredibly intricate scale from even the smallest ant to the grand scale of the universe which in my mind is fascinating because I only see a flying jet of statistics that beam back and forth which makes sense in my head. It makes sense but it’s not like I have one thought that leads to another thought that helps me understand it, it’s more like instead of individual thoughts firing together to make a larger picture my whole brain is the thought and it just works without me having to go through all of the small monotonous work of trying to figure it out…
Sorry, I was not planning on ranting like that but it just came out so easily. It’s time for breakfast; I need to eat more healthily these days. When it comes down to anything I know I’ll be alright because I know my heart is understood by what is true, and really, why would I want to be understood by anything else? And when, at the end of my life, regardless of things I’ve accomplished or not I know that I’ll be able to say that I was honest in this life even though I did struggle, I loved with all my heart, and I did all I could to lift others up around me. So, I hope one day it’ll be recognized and this crushing weight that plagues my chest often will be taken from me and will be replaced by something that can heal and sooth on a more consistent level. I am alright though because I know what is true, even though it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Even though I don’t get it sometimes I’ll never doubt the power of prayer and what a sincere desire can accomplish. There is nothing more powerful then sincerity. Have a sincere heart, lose your fear, and miracles are born.
Well, I’ve got to eat something now but before I go I want to try an experiment. I really do believe that we create our world around us every day by our desires and thoughts. I believe the small world that surrounds us in every way gives us what we want if we are sincere in heart. So, today I want a fresh outlook on what it is that I should do, I want a continued clear perspective on those things most important to me, I want to be happy. I believe this really is what prayer is. It is simply a form of true meditation, true reflection done in the name of a being that the small world around us recognizes as the ultimate authority in the universe. If there is anything else I know it’s that God works in very, very small ways over the course of a very, very long time. It is how we learn, it is how those enlightened learn because it requires a degree of humility to see beyond the here and now.
Alright, I’ve really got to go now, but just know that it’s always fun and I hope someone gets something out of this mess of words. Take care everyone and goodbye. Thanks.