I write today not knowing what about. I need something, but what, redemption, rectification, vindication, a sense that I haven’t gone completely crazy? Maybe all of those things are what I’m looking for. But I can’t imagine how they will come, or if they will, or even if I deserve any of them.

Maybe I simply desire to be at rest, not physically but spiritually. But maybe that is my lot, my trial to overcome, my thorn in the flesh or soul. I cannot say. I know something good is coming for me, but yet I am afraid of it. It is almost as if I can sense the Lord testing my ability to handle blessings without becoming the least bit prideful. I am weary of the thought of what would happen if my path were to be made straight as Nephi prayed for his path to be. Not weary that I don’t think the Lord knows what he is doing, but rather that I don’t know what I would do. I happen to know that the Lord is cautious of pouring out blessings to those He loves for that exact reason. I will wait though, I will strive to be better in everything I do so God will be able to trust me with His desired blessings for me.

On a different note and another thought to ponder, will I be damned if I can forgive but not forget?(which is possible by the way.) How would it be if Christ suffered for all of our sins while on the Cross pleading for His Father to forgive His crucifiers, “For they know not what they do,” and then just forget that any of that ever happened? The Atonement must be remembered by all, especially Jesus Himself, otherwise he would not be able to perform His sacred and unique calling as the Christ, the Great Mediator of the New Covenant. He must remember everyone that Crucified Him, everyone that spit upon Him and beat him, so that all of it can be forgiven when the cup is full…

I am sorry, I wrote about three pages more but I can’t publish any more of it on to my blog…

I find some sort of solace in writing, but not the lasting kind I need. Yet I feel like it is my present lifeline to keep me going until I finally find what it is that I am looking for.

I’ve heard that it is wrong to pray for the second coming to happen sooner, and I’m not saying I desire that to happen any time soon, but I do desire so badly for a true rectification, and I don’t believe that is going to be possible for me in this life, (concerning a certain matter). The only way I can see that happening is under the most divine supervision and authority under the highest law.


The Atonement is something that can be very symbolic, but it can also be very literal. If you look at the paintings of people in the arms of Christ you see a completely penitent soul letting all of their untold pain and sufferings go into His eternal bosom. This form of applying the Atonement can be done symbolically in our earthly life through a sincere desire, love, partaking of the sacrament, praying and having a change of heart. But yet, there are those who need so wholly to literally be held in the arms of Christ Himself for a complete sense of oneness, the Atonement. There are things in this life that can cut so deeply that no matter how much you try to forgive and forget, the damage is irremediably done and can permanently leave one with a sense of unrest.
Many people in war suffer permanently from physical ailments, but also from emotionally traumatizing memories, which I believe is more troublesome and painful. A physical ache (I believe) symbolizes a form of true aching which is more painful. The aching of the soul and of the heart, so just as when our bodies shall become whole during the resurrection of all things our souls will as well, and the two shall then be joined together again never to be separated from their acquired degree.

I’ve got to go now though. I will write more tonight. Thanks.