what i know

I’ve been thinking…(sigh) why do I write? Not so much for other people to read but more for a sense of keeping myself grounded, I suppose. I get so caught up in the perils of the past that I feel I have nothing to offer other then my own experiences and my thoughts on them. I know a few select people read the things that I write but I honestly don’t know how many people actually covertly read my words without my knowledge. I will write what I write regardless though, for my words are me. And I’ve thought long and hard about that. Have you ever felt like everyone loves you but no one wants to know you? That’s slightly how I feel. Actually that’s how I feel a lot. Maybe I just sabotage myself and run away from the things that make me happy, which is a possibility. Deep down I know I am a fairly happy person but I think also that I don’t know what I would do if I were to be truly happy. Maybe I like the weary, rogue, never find peace sort of persona I carry about me. But then that isn’t the case either because I’ve discovered that I can be happy without a whole lot as long as my friends are happy. Once you’ve lost everything that ever meant anything to you, one can sacrifice their whole life for the benefit of others and more, which in turn brings back the weary, never find true happiness persona. It’s a paradox. It’s a paradox and I am just a dream to those who behold me. If I can give up everything and anything for others then I am doing my part, and then all there is left to do is wait on the Lord. Wait on the Lord for him to bless me with whatever He deems worthy for me, or to burden me with whatever He deems worthy of me and if it is His will for me to carry this burden upon my shoulders then I will carry it gratefully, even though it hurts and starts to ache at the most inopportune moments. That’s when I just sigh and take a deep breath and pray for strength to make it through to the next day. I’ll tell any who read this, and keep it on the down low, but I secretly want so badly to be truly and honestly happy. Maybe I just don’t know how to be yet. Maybe I’m just not ready. I honestly don’t know when that day will come. I do though know that people in general need to live every day with more passion and emotion. Get away from the apathy and the frivolous trivialities of life and feel truly happy when others are uplifted and feel truly sad when others are suffering. Look around more and feel the beauty in life. It is strange I know but I sometimes get teary eyed just looking at the stars. So much grandeur and infinite wisdom is contained within them and they need to be admired. I truly love the life I live and wouldn’t substitute the things I know for all the riches in the world even though I do carry this burden upon my shoulders. I remember when I was young hearing about the prophets of old who were stoned and burnt and killed for their testimonies, and how if they would just deny the things they said their persecutors would spare their lives. I always thought to myself, ‘why not just pretend to take it all back so they could keep living?’ I understand now how those men would and could not ever deny their testimonies under even the worst of circumstances even if it meant painful death. A testimony is sacred, especially one that is born out of the furnace of affliction and to even remotely hint that you would deny it, that act alone would be a travesty.
I suppose I need to go to bed now but I am glad I wrote this for my blog. I usually don’t just write but I’ve felt like I need to recently. A little more than a year ago I remember praying for peace every day and all day long and praying for answers of what I should do. I had never written a poem in my life before then but so vividly in my prayers I heard that I needed to write. So I started writing poetry. Now though, at least with this document I felt like I just need to write regularly. Even though there aren’t many out there that consistently read my blog I do hope there are some. Because like I said, I secretly want people to know who I am, and my words are me. I feel like I am dream to others though, I don’t know why. I suppose I am real. Weather I am a dream or not, I have my writings to offer others and I know they are good, for they are my testimony and I know it is good. I don’t always act according to the things I know, but the things I know are certain and no amount of trial or persecution will ever change that, which is why I feel like I am able to keep on sighing everyday and being able to continue on waiting on the Lord...

But what to do in the mean time is the kicker…

I am alright and I will not fall,
Within the night I will stand tall,
Though through travails I do so row,
They’ll never prevail o’er what I know.