While I was sitting alongside the pool in our apartment complex my mind was caught away in stupendous thought. I sat contemplating in my head the question of who I am. I came to the conclusion and then reflected on words given by an authority of the church whose name evades me at this time. But I remembered him talking about how we are at this very moment exactly everything we have every done and said. We are the outcome of countless choices and decisions we have made from the beginning of our very own existence. That got me thinking about decisions I’ve made in my life and where they have taken me and how they have changed me. I wondered about certain things that I would maybe have done differently and other things that I want to be in the future. I thought about what exactly I do want. But I say, one thing that I have learned by the very grace of heaven is that I don’t want anything other then what my very own God wants for me. I would be deluding myself to say that I desired something more immediately important then God’s will, which in my mind is a scary thought. When we are willing to sacrifice our own ideals, thoughts, and even relationships to seek the will of the Lord for us in our life that is when God seeks to bring to pass the deepest desires of our own hearts. It’s a testimony of true love. An example I’ll share is if loving parents know what it is that one of their children really wants for their birthday; upon observance before bestowing the gift though the parents witness a submissiveness as the child sacrifices his ideals for maybe another sibling or a less fortunate friend. After all is done and said the parents don’t want their child’s sincere sacrifice to go unrewarded so with the powers given them as patriartical keepers of their offspring they bless the said child with his original desire. But it is not the physical gift that is the blessing, it is the process in which got the child to be willing to give it up in order for another to be happy and to be submissive and willing of the consequences, and having enough understanding that their own wants don’t mean as much as the desires of others. All in all what I’m getting at is that I want the will of God to be done in my life regardless of sacrifices I need to make, and any one of an endless possibilities would be what I desire if it’s what He wants for me. But it brings it full circle and because of my willingness I need to figure out what it is that I truly do want. And whatever that be I believe I have the ability to bring it to pass in my life which is a daunting thought. Because of a desire that I had once upon a time I was brought to my knees wholly confiding in the one thing I knew to be real and subjected my will to His, and let His will be done, now I would have it no other way, accept now I know that He desires to bless me but since that day of complete subjection I don’t know what I want other than His will for me, so now I feel like I need to find out a sincere desire that He can bless me with, but at the same time I don’t feel worthy of any such blessing. I am in a quandary and I need to figure things out so I suppose I will pray. I do struggle with so many things that I would deem unworthy of someone who confides in God as much as I do, but I do confide with all of my heart every night and I know that He knows my heart.
While I was soaking my legs in the water I cupped some water in my hands and threw it up into the air. As the water separated and drifted apart from its original body creating individual water droplets I had a thought that has never occurred to me before as the water fell back into the body or the pool. Each individualized droplet upon making contact with the pool water created a ripple, a wake. Perfect circle but the ripples collided with other ripples creating a distortion and causing them to create more and those ripples bumped into others and those into others. If for the moment I could compare our lives to these ripples, I would say that simply by existing we create a ripple around us, choices we make, make the ripple bigger and those choices affect others around us making a change or impression on them which in turn cause a changed ripple to touch another ripple from somewhere else. Everything we do impacts those around us and our decisions through them impact in a lesser degree others around them and it continues out to such a refined change into eternity creating the world and days that we live in. Even our thoughts impact those around us for they are not simply in our head; they project outward from our bodies even as air is exhaled out of our lungs. I believe so much can be done for the cause of good even with the slightest of changes we make in our lives, and when truly thought upon about what goodness really is.
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