The Smell of Books

Well, here I am sitting upon my bed getting ready to read a new book I just bought. Yep, that’s right, I bought a book. The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, Mormon Scientist. I was sitting upon my bed less than an hour ago pondering upon life and trying to figure out where I need to go and what I need to do when I had the sudden urge to walk through a book store. Not many know this and it is slightly strange I know because I am not much of a reader but I absolutely love walking around book stores more than any other stores there are. I think it is the atmosphere that is absolutely appealing, they are always so quiet and orderly, not to mention they have a distinct smell which I secretly love..weird. So, I often walk up and down the rows of books picking out a few and maybe reading a page or two than moving on to the next one that catches my eye. But this time I actually bought one, one I truly intend to read all the way through this time. I think I secretly have a deep seeded desire to read all sorts of books because I am attracted to them in every way I can think of. I think it is this person inside of me that I am yearning to be but am too blinded by the dubious rigmarole of life. I struggle with so many aspects of this world I live in. I love this world but I just can’t get it right. I don’t know how to live in it properly and make it work for me. I would like to think that my inner sincerity, regardless of my slow, improperly functioning body will eventually pay off one of these days. When everything just falls into place and is just right and I can continue unhindered to progress along this highway of life. I think now is a good time to admit that I truly do have a slight handicap. I’ve been trying to get people for years to believe that I have a mild speech impediment but alas I am also slightly slower than the regular folk. I think it has to do with years of not sleeping properly. All I know is most of the time I just want to put my head down and have someone pull my hair. It works great for headaches; just trust me on this one. I am what I am though and I truly would never want to be anyone else even though I wish I were better at certain things that I am not very good at. Well, my dear readers, thank you for your silent support and goodness. Any time I write it just feels good inside because I know that regardless of my exterior demons, I can write about goodness, and I truly hope I have touched someone by the things that I’ve written.

I, like everyone else just want to be happy. That’s all.

Who I Am

Who I Am

As I watch the sun dip down below
The horizon when it leaves my sky
I wonder if it waves hello
To another who sees it like I.

The stars I am so truly fond
Of the way they twinkle silently,
I wish sometimes I could respond
And I hope sometimes they gaze at me.

I, like the lake am full of weeds,
But I hope I reflect an image clear
To any who look into me
Of who they want to be so near.

And O, the moon in its glory,
It loves to sooth the weary stressed,
And write to them a true story
Filled with peace and needed rest.

O, now I see, O, now I know
Why the stars twinkle and shine,
And why the sun dips down below
The profoundly drawn horizon line.

And why the lake reflects so true
And why the moon aids from afar
I know why those things now they do
Because that is who each one they are.

If only I had something grand,
Something special that made up me,
Maybe then I’d see who I am,
And who I could so truly be.

-Jacob Winterfeldt

Letter to the Universe

You know, I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. That comforted this burden somewhat and an awkward smile crossed my lips as I sighed slightly from the somewhat ridiculous task I’ve been assigned to manage. It seems that the sheer mass of the outcome from what would shortly come to pass based off of my unlearned decisions didn’t press upon me with its full weight because of that very reason. Either everything would still be, or it wouldn’t, and none would be a critic nor could be of my attempt to save everything that is. Also, I figured that if there is any reasoning to this whole fate slash destiny thing then if I truly tried my best, which I absolutely intended to do anyway, then the very fabric of space itself would lend its infinite helping hand so that I would ultimately end up saving the universe from utter annihilation. But if destiny is no such thing then I figured I’ve got about a fifty fifty chance of making sure all of humanity and any other bits or forms of life throughout our universe would be able to wake up tomorrow morning as if nothing ever occurred. No one would ever know either way I thought. How could they? I was slightly un-intimidated by this calling of mine until my mind caught hold upon a somewhat disturbing thought. What really will happen if I fail? Everything is gone, right? Well, what if there is an afterlife that exists on a finer plain than what we can see here. I didn’t much like the thought of being eternally blamed by the intelligences of countless souls for letting all of their physical, eternal elemental existence be destroyed within a blink of an eye. But hey, if there is life after death then there has to be some sort of an infinite God utilizing an all intelligible form of knowing and perfect controlling of all substance in any fashion, so my soon to be endeavors have to ultimately end up saving the universe…there is no other option. It must be my divine duty to perform this task. It must be my destiny, right? So why should I even worry if that is the case. Well, up until now, you know I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. Uhh…Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to know it without blatantly thinking and acting like it will happen, and even being afraid slightly that I might mess up. That’s how this whole thing works I just realized. Like a light or something flicked on in my mind. I can’t be arrogant about it yet I have to know it. I can’t just stroll into this endeavor half heartedly because I believe the universe will be fine even though I know it will. I have to persuade the very makeup of everything with my true sincerity, my sincere desire that the universe won’t just zip out of existence from my own mistakes. This just put a little bit more pressure upon my mind and my heart. It’s almost like this is a very unique paradox, one that I can’t quite explain but rather feel, a paradox that perfectly exists and balances out all of creation. That’s it, I have to love. I have to truly love the people that might not exist tomorrow. It’s love that is the paradox in which all things are and can exist and continue. And there has to be an ultimate love to keep it perfectly balanced which I can only image now must have carried with it an equal amount of un-love, or unrest or suffering, which as of now I truly can’t imagine how that must have been performed or carried out. It must have been incredible. I, at this point don’t understand its completeness but I think I understand the basic concept of it and it curiously has brought with it a burden that I think now that I need. How great will this burden become as I continue on with my coming choices I do not know, but I know that I must now at least solemnly keep on proceeding towards this event of incomprehensible consequence. I don’t know how to explain it any clearer then how I have put it, so it is up to those of you whom I truly hope will be able to read this tomorrow to feel the meanings of my words that I’ve written now by pondering upon this paradox of sincere love. I leave this letter with you now in hopes that it will be read in the coming days. I have a duty to perform now and I’m grateful for my new insight upon my approaching decisions. You know, I’ve never thought much about God… But I think He must love us.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Light at the end of the tunnel

The light at the end of the tunnel

I have something to say concerning this saying. People might often use this as an expression of almost being done with something that is very drudguous. Like when the end of something that was very difficult to do is finally in sight. However, this term is also used quite a bit by people who have had near death experiences, or have actually died and then come back to life, which is where I believe the term derived from. I need to be very careful about how I write the following so just please bear that in mind. The light at the end of the tunnel is seen by many who claim to have had one of these death experiences but I don’t believe there is a tunnel at all or that the light is in the distance by any means, even the near distance. When someone is closing in on one of these experiences the consciousness starts to lose grasp upon our mortal senses and is able to perceive things of the fine spiritual nature more easily. I ask what is the finest, most truest thing in the universe and or any realm, state or being of any universe? It is truth itself which is the very finest light that exists. This is what God is entirely filled with and God is alive not dead by any means. When we go through this state of death a blackness enshrouds and totally envelops us, and our very core existence of who we are yearns for a light to save us, so within the black darkness of the bands of death itself what is there? What is this light at the end of the tunnel that people claim to see? It’s not something outward of them which is in the distance, it is what is them themselves, it is what is within each and every one of us right now, it is the light of truth, it is the light of Christ. When we die our perception changes to what our consciousness itself sees which is not what our mortal eyes see and when we come back to this mortal life we try to interpret what we witnessed and to our level of being and understanding here on earth we interpret the best we can of what our consciousness saw into our worldly ways. When there is death, or darkness that surrounds, if there is one little light it looks to form walls of a tunnel and the light is in the distance but it is not in the distance. We are not seeing a light in the distance, we are seeing ourselves. It is here with us, inside of us right now. It is truth which lies within the very makeup of who we are, and all of the false ideas and wrongs that envelop this world are all the doings of the physical arm of man. The natural, greedy, ungodly, desires of the flesh smother this light within us and cause so much strife and pain and confusion among everything in this life. There is an ultimate truth and it is within us all if we could but see it. There is so much symbolism to our existence here. So incredibly much so that everything testifies of truth and light. We are light, this is why we are told to let our light so shine. Even our physical bodies are made up of the stars from the heavens and so is our soul made up of the light of truth and knowledge. The parallels are infinite because there are no bounds to Universe. So, rather then there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we should know that there is a light within us which is who we are and if we understand who we are we can more easily understand the right and wrongs of what the world will have you believe and I cry for those in the dark who don’t understand this eternal truth. The light within us is bright, I testify of that and it shines in the dark. It shines forth towards those searching wrongly for the light at the end of the tunnel. They are looking for something outward when it is inward they need to look. It is there, it is what we are, it is intelligence in its truest form of being. And we are intelligence of a very high order and degree. Truth is truth and light is light, and I testify that what I have said is true. It is.

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Time for Understanding 2

I often find myself in a dimly lit room somewhere in the United States pacing back and forth speaking into the omnipresentual night air(and making up words to describe what I mean) letting it absorb my ever growing knowledge on that topic which is so incredibly fascinating to me. My mind races as electrical energy speeds through the almost never ending corridors of thought searching for and sifting out the falsities that are so prevalent in our modern society which are so entirely responsible for so many terrible conflicts in any degree of being across the world. I say, I do say that science’s confliction with religion, and religion’s debacle with science is, in the world an ugly and ultimately irresolvable war. People who exercise an unwavering faith in their religion are almost mocked by certain branches of science, such as those considered Evolutionists who dedicate their lives to the research of linking humanity with primate species and de-evolving us back to the primordial ooze from where the first single celled organisms found a way to reproduce themselves, while religion in general, in my opinion, often pound sticks into the ground and drape blankets over their heads and pretend that what scientists have proven to be true are not a reality because it stands in utter opposition to their church’s core belief. Who is right in this case? The further along in time we progress the more understanding of our world and universe is uncovered by science, but religion, like I said before, in general, is falling apart at the seams because of this scientific progression. Faith in nearly any organized religion might seem almost foolish for those people drifting around in this ever changing world while science in itself becomes a religion to those who study the various branches of it. This war of faith versus raw evidence is a brutal one, not only for those caught in the middle but the reason being is this, the more one side wins, the more it actually loses. If you could follow me on this it makes perfect sense, simply understand it. Let your heart feel the truth in this matter as opposed to the raw facts. This is when we can understand, this is when the mind becomes sanctified by truth and knowledge, and this is when science and religion work in perfect harmony with each other as opposed to tearing at each other’s very skin. I ask the very question, who is God anyway, other than the ultimate scientist. In the words of Stephen Hawking when referring to the expansion and evolution of humanity throughout the cosmos, “Masters of the Universe.”
The thing that science doesn’t understand yet, is that it itself is continually searching for ways to be like God. Ways to understand and use the laws of the universe for our own benefit and progression, while on the other hand, the thing that, for the most part, religion doesn’t understand yet is that God isn’t a supernatural, unknowable being that no one can ever understand or comprehend. When it all comes down to it, it is simply a matter of understanding, and that is going to be the key for humanity if it ever wants to marry the two seemingly opposing views into the perfect Oneness that sets the essence of a being onto the path of Godhood. I don’t believe though that in our lives humanity will realize this fact, but it will be realized for those who are willing to be enlightened by the truths that are profoundly established within both the scientific realms and religious circles. God walks the razors edge of science and thusly is God. Science doesn’t even know who it looks up to and religion doesn’t know where their basis for belief even lies. Combine the two, than ponder on it and one’s mind is opened to see things that once slept in the dark while it dreamed of being realized and brought to its undeniable light. The truth is out there, it really is, just find it.

Time for Understanding

We, as human beings need to be a bit more understanding. What I mean is that we need to overcome our own prejudices, and we need to understand when we have them. The reason the work is so greatly hindered is because of blocks in people’s minds. I don’t completely refer to “the work,” as spreading the gospel, although it is a big portion of it, but rather, on a different scale I refer to the work of the human mind in conjunction with the world and the universe. There is so much power out there in the world and in our own minds. This life is filled with things that we simply can’t see yet and are all around us, surrounding like an ocean. World governments and those who sway political powers are constantly playing a giant game of chess when we are the tiles of different colors they play on. The power of secrets and invisible persuasions, despicable strategies that leave the tiles in darkness and sickness, motivations that are sourced from corrupted views, so many of these things are real and on such an epic scale and the influence of them on our own lives might not be seen with the eye but I testify that just the very thoughts of those people who operate and run the world are impacting our very cores, so detrimentally engraining itself into who we are and who we think we are choosing to be. The pull of this invisible power is tremendous. The negative aspects of it, the energy of it flow over the world like a darkness, a sickness that is not felt for many until one is at the verge of death itself. Death brings with it an undeniable honesty to those who surround themselves and raise themselves up in this world. Those closing in on that time when the soul departs and the body goes the way of all the world often find themselves realizing hope a little too late because they have utterly entwined their existence into this life and procrastinated what is truly important to them. Important to what a soul really desires and what that is, is in stark contrast to that of what the body wants. The soul wants to live while the body dies. This is what might be considered hell for those in this position of the end of their lives, though it can be realized and felt at any point in life I believe, take a look at Alma the younger and many others. Even people you might know now.
So ultimately, when you hear of people speaking about unseen forces at work, this is what it means. It means that, yes, the physical completions of evil men’s agendas do come about and surface, but I testify that the collected thoughts themselves of a corrupted society sway us just by being thoughts. That the incredible number of those dabbling in these decaying creeds link and twine across the globe covering us like a blanket of darkness. This is why we must stand in holy places and fill ourselves with good thoughts by getting rid of dark or deteriorating influences in our lives and surrounding ourselves with good relations that are true, I know this concept very well from the perspective of both sides, and in the end when we set aside our prejudices we can understand what it is and who those are that are true. We can start to see truth itself in the air as if it were a physical thing. We can even detect those who put on a lambs mask to cover their razor sharp teeth so as to be able to devour its needed, unsuspecting prey. When you start to see truth the shades of darkness become more vivid and undeniably evil. It is time for understanding, the powers at work all around us constantly impact how we live and perceive our lives. I have given quite a bit of thought to this and I have concluded that it is absolutely frightening how influenced we can be. We humans so slowly change that by the time we have realized what we have become we don’t even see anymore what we used to have. This is why we MUST grasp onto that little bit of truth that we CAN see and never let go of it. Hold onto it like it’s what gives us life. Like it is what heals us, like it is what brightens our way in this dark world. Make friends that are holding onto that light as well, find them and search them out and combine the truths that you have together to make an even brighter light. It is time for understanding, it is time for truth and knowledge to be sparked in the mind of those who would think, those who might use what is already prevalent in our bodies, the ability to know goodness from darkness, the ability to ascend beyond the realms of fear, and anger, and jealousy, and prejudice, and be able to use this body for good regardless of physical ability. This is for those who would not simply choose the darkness just to be different from those they might dislike at the time but rather, choose the right, choose the right to be different from those who would. It is time that we see these things, it is time for truth to be established and ubiquitous, and I do say it is time for understanding.

The Journey Scroll

I ponder on a part of me that is just sitting still, not really progressing and losing vitality. This part of me which is very dear to me but difficult at the same time, I refer to my book, The Journey Scroll. I truly don’t know whether it has publishing potential but I do know that the story is incredibly valuable to me. The core of which it is comes from my very dreams and upon further ponderence on the main character came like a perfectly flowing river the rest of the underlying storyline. A symbolic fiction I have classified it, as it’s a portion of very early Earth history pertaining to wars and religious calamity at the time. I try to depict the secret combinations of governments and those true in heart who are caught up in the turbulence of discerning good and evil with the presence of a fictionalized true gospel symbolizing the true church at the time. The Journey Scroll it is titled. Thank you everyone and goodbye for now.

That is the question

I wish I could run a wire from my brain to my computer so I could type out my dreams as I was having them. This idea only came because I am currently belly down on my bed with my feet hanging off of the side while my head is wrenched in what some might consider a very uncomfortable looking position so I can type with somewhat of a correct angled view of the screen. I was trying to find the ever dimming inspiration to write of something interesting when I simply laid my head down at the foot of my bed near my laptop when I started to dream. I promptly lifted my head to type it out but the dream was gone. It simply vanished from my thoughts when my eyes opened. Not vanished from my head, for, everything that comes from me originated in my head first, and whether these imaginings be turned to action or simply continue on forever as pure goings-on of thought my head is where these things shall reside and my body will be the physical conduit of the inevitable law of consequence. One would think that a soul could master this body of ours more easily than how we do. The concept is very simple. Get this body, make it work, and do good. Not only do good but do incredible things. I am perplexed at my own mental blocks. I know I have incredible potential to do nearly anything I truly desire to do. The same can be said for everyone, but what is it that is stopping me from doing these incredible things with my life? I believe that the majority of people simply don’t realize or understand how great their potential actually is, so, subsequently many don’t ever attain the greatest blessing they could. Though I know there is so much that I don’t know or understand, I on the other hand do know far too well that I am blest and have immense capabilities but yet I still squander and dabble with trivialities and frivolous matters that wholly surround every day. I suffer from not, not understanding my potential, but rather a fear of what I could accomplish, which I think is even a greater tragedy than not ever knowing in the first place. I have thought about this and I think I am naturally afraid of the responsibilities that might come from reaching my potential. I am faced with a difficult situation. I yearn to be free and explode in to that person whom my soul is desiring my body to be. But I sigh and think it is too difficult so I continue on knowingly living under my potential. But yet again I see that I am trying to justify and excuse myself in being lazy which is completely wrong. I know what is right and wrong and I see the very core reasons of why I choose to be so lackadaisical in my endeavors. It doesn’t come down to knowledge for me, it comes down to desire to act on that knowledge. I know the church is true, and I love the church with all of my heart but even yet still sometimes I find myself in the mornings lacking character and thinking to myself, it’s alright if I sleep in today and miss a good portion of church, or it all together. I justify the idea that I am too tired and I simply, in those moments lack desire to do what I know to be true. I find myself asking the very question Nephi asked, “Why should I?” Why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Why should I give way to temptation that the evil one have place to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? This question follows me around everywhere I go but sadly I still do yield to sin because of my flesh, and then in the midnight hour I sigh and forever ponder on my current status with my friends, my family, even my enemies, and lastly my God. I am not faced with a difficult decision, the decision is clear of who I desire to be, but I am faced with difficult moments in time that I should be able to see as exactly what they are, just moments in our earthly time, and what will my life time here on earth leave for everyone else when my time here is over? That is the question I ponder and pray on, that is the question.