Grace Enstrom

There are a few things that give me a sensation that I just can’t explain no matter how hard I try. I can try and use words like peaceful, harmonious, stillness, but those words, though all reminiscent of this sensation don’t quite capture what it is fully that I feel in my chest. These things include star gazing and the heavens above, kneeling in prayer in the still of the night, going to the temple, and though there are other things I will conclude this brief list with a certain painting I own which is entitled “Grace” by Enstrom. It is a painting of a grey bearded fellow praying over his meal. There is what I believe to be a bowl of tomato soup and loaf of bread on the table. There is also what I presume to be his bible next to him on the table and his spectacles resting gently upon it. Everything about this painting emanates this deep sensation I speak of. I found it one day in a pile of junk that my family was either going to throw away or give to Deseret Industries. I had never seen it before and couldn’t believe they were getting rid of it. It struck me as remarkable the instant I saw it so I knew that I had to save it from its undetermined fate. I took it and I’ve had it up on my walls ever since. Just a few years in my possession and I find myself staring at it often as I walk in and out of my room. There is a definite spirit to it which I love and am grateful for. It is a unique painting which I found out was actually a photograph first. Also it apparently is a famous picture that many churches use in their buildings. Since starting this entry I’ve looked it up because for some reason I’ve never done it before and upon starting this was perplexed at why I never had. I love its antique feel, the warmth of its spirit and simply the genuine look of the man within the portrait. The photographer, Enstrom, said after years of photography and thousands of professional pictures that this was his best and favorite of them all. It is not hard to see why. It truly captures something that is very special, and this type of special only comes along once in a great while because it is hard to capture in just the right way. If not done just in the ideal method a photo trying to catch something like “Grace” will turn out quite ambiguous and negatively contradictory. This type of thing has to be captured ultimately genuinely and sincerely and from the story of its design I believe it was. It truly is a remarkable portrait and I am grateful for it and the genuine spirit it brings to my room. Thank you Eric Enstrom for your touch in the art of photography, I admire your abilities and hope to capture photos of like feel. I will always look on it with a grateful heart because in my opinion “grateful” is the overall feel of the specific man and this wonderful piece of art.

These are the places...

Why do we look into the heavens? Why do we stare at the stars? Why is it that wise men and prophets so often found inspiration from those twinkling little dots that speckle the night sky? What is it that they contain that offers so much wisdom to those who study them? Before humanity even had telescopes people found their lives within those stars. They learned from them, but what is it that we do learn from simply gazing upward? I find myself doing this thing often and I cannot describe the wonder that stirs in me. It’s almost like a sacred communion of spirit to the infinite cosmos above. When I look at the stars I feel alright and the worries of the world don’t matter as much because there is so much more than this world and if I can somehow replicate this wonder that I so truly admire within myself then I can shine like the stars to those who seek honest truth, because when it gets down to it there is nothing more honest then the heavens, perfect harmony of indefinable genius and beauty working together. It is amazing to me to try and understand the character of the night sky. It is so incredibly observable yet few observe it on any regular basis. It’s like not recognizing or appreciating the warmth of a blanket on a cold winter’s day. I don’t know all the names of the constellations or even which ones are planets instead of stars but I just love the sensation I get from simply looking up. It’s like I can breathe freely and I didn’t realize before that I wasn’t. One thing that I don’t know how many people realize is that there are planets orbiting every single one of those little stars. Each one isn’t just a star, it is a sun feeding light and warmth to planets, a complete solar system surrounds those twinkling dots. In our solar system Earth lies within what Astronomers call the Habitable Zone where water can exist in a liquid form causing it to be suitable for life to be. How many stars can you see with your naked eye? I would say absolutely thousands and how many more can be seen with telescopes? Infinite amounts, and this is just what we can see. Now, what are the odds that even just one of these suns out of our infinite sky has a planet within that habitable zone where water runs down hill and carves through valleys? Water is what gives life to all things? These are the places where God can let his children inhabit and grow and learn. I truthfully believe that when I look into the stars I have a direct line of sight view with other people who could literally be looking back at me from their Habitable Zone within their solar system. This is what I mean when I say a sacred communion; star gazing envelops so much within that realm of sacredness. Belief, hope, infinity, knowledge, the vastness of our universe testifies of our own abilities when you look and feel that awe and how it is different from any other sensation we tend to think is relieving for us in this world. It’s complete sincerity because it is so vast and always there yet it never forces us to look. Its beauty is to be seen only by those who will see it and that is the ultimate appreciation. Not boasting our abilities yet performing our abilities for others to see if they desire and for those who do desire they find a sense of understanding and responsibility that is hard to define but very distinct because it is so unbelievable but obviously right in front of us for any to see. It is a desire that causes them to realize the importance in truth and sets them apart from others who don’t look. It is a blessing yet a burden. It is solemn freedom from the chains that drag us down because our souls are free and we realize that when we look at the ultimate testimony of truth in the sky. We are children of God. We are capable of anything good. We can love and be loved. And we can know the hearts of people. This place is more remarkable than I know. The wisest of men knows that he knows nothing yet yearns to know more. The church is true my friends. Goodnight.

Deterring Clouds

O, there is nothing better! I am filled with excitement right now. I was bummed earlier to still see clouds over my house because I wanted to go sit out on my roof and gaze upward for awhile but the deterring clouds ushered in a sequence of events that led me to this thrilling beginning. I’ve started writing a new story that I saw unfold in front of my eyes whilst I was sitting on my front steps watching my breath dissipate into the darkness. I oddly enough, often act out scenes that I imagine in my head to myself when no one is watching, but I think people catch me and walk in on me quite a bit and I usually just smile and let them think what they will. Well, anyway it doesn’t have a name yet but I haven’t been this excited about writing out a plot since I first envisioned The Journey Scroll. The Journey Scroll is a project I started before I even knew how to spell half of the words I was trying to write and so I have utterly determined that I need to completely rewrite every chapter of that story if it ever is to be something more than just a Word document on my laptop. Rewriting it all is somewhat daunting and a task I don’t feel ready to do just yet but since I originally finished The Journey Scroll I’ve grown so incredibly much within my writing ability. This is why I am so excited about my new story. I don’t know if anything can replace The Journey Scroll but I promise this one is going to be pretty epic if you like (undetermined genre) stories. I’ll keep you updated. Thanks bye.

I do what I do best

I don’t understand it. There must be something wrong with the chemicals in my brain. Sometimes I talk to everyone and am confident in the things I say and do and I actually enjoy this thing they call a social life. Other times, even with the same people I stutter and repeat myself and am not sure what it is I’m actually trying to talk about. Ask anyone that really knows me. It’s pretty frustrating but life is still good either way. I’m currently trying to keep my head out of the clouds so I can be more” normal”. It’s not my goal to fit in with the crowd but rather be able to relate to more people so I can stand out in a better light. What now though? Why do I feel so aloof from this world? Maybe I really do have some mental block or illness that causes me to feel strange all the time. My head feels funny the majority of the day and when I say funny I mean it’s not usually a head ache but it feels like exactly how I said, it feels like my head is in a cloud and I can’t think straight let alone act like a normally functioning person. I promise I don’t drink or do drugs but yet I’ve been on high prescription medication before so I know how it feels and that is how I feel a lot of the time. It’s like my body just naturally does it and I’ve learned the best I can to cope with it but it is a thorn in my side. I’ll keep doing what I do though because I guess that’s what I do best…

My Swing

My Swing

Not a place better then where I find my
Self wander to in the still of the night,
The chill of the air, the familiar art,
The warmth of my swing which cradled my heart.

Here I wrote of stars in the sky,
Of ants on the ground and dragons that fly,
Here I lived a world unseen
As the rock of my swing succored me dreams.

I’ll never forget this sacred place
Where I first heard the ring in my ears,
So peaceful I couldn’t hear anything else
Other than it and the drip of my tears.

And when I’d get stuck on a verse or a rhyme
I’d nudge the ground and gently swing
It didn’t know that its sway was so truly kind
Because to me at that time it was everything.

-Jacob Winterfeldt

Corporeal Hands

I often, within the moments of succumbing to sleep open my eyes and write about what it was that I was thinking about at that moment of passing into humble slumber. Than the next day I read it and I often surprise myself by the content of the writing. It’s quite strange sometimes but it’s alright because most of the time I think it’s good, but it does carry with it an odd side affect. I know the world I live in is here and now but what of dreams and visions? What of reality as a whole? Is the world outside of me constant and unchangeable regardless of me, or do I create the world around me with every moment I live? Well, I believe I create my world depending upon how I think and that my thoughts are the outcome of the future but it must be consistent thought. We remember the past and I say we can remember the future just in different context. When a person thinks continually about a certain thing that person becomes those thoughts on the outside whether they are good or bad. It is not what is outside of us that we need to learn to control because that way we will never attain true power. The height of our power then is limited to what we can physically lift and manipulate with our corporeal hands. It is what is inside that we need to learn to control because then is when we can literally accomplish anything by means of true thought radiating outward throughout our body. We create the world we live in, that means we can really have anything we want. But finding out what we want is all a part of learning how to master ourselves within. Because most likely what you want is not what you need, and getting right down to it we want what we need, yet often times we don’t really need what we think we need. We want what is most important and the things that are most important are those things that catch your eye but aren’t quit there when you turn and look, and they are that momentary shooting star you spent hours gazing into the sky to see, or when you pick up on something in a crowded room that no one else did and you quietly recognize the significance of it to yourself yet cannot speak it again to someone else, the most important things are what it feels like when you crawl out of bed even when you are so tired and kneel down because you forgot to say your prayers that night and still gratefully address Heavenly Father. Those are the things that are important and things like unto them.
Well, out of most everything I write I have certainly come to one conclusion, and that is either the things I say and write really do have some significance and meaning or they are simply the delusions of a man who’s lost his mind, they might be a little bit of both but either way I don’t see any reason not to continue because it’s just what I do. If I’m crazy then I’m crazy and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, but if there is something true to what I say then I know it’s true and I figure if I add as much good as I can to it then it can’t be too far off of something that’s right. I have moments of awe when everything is alright and attainable and in those moments anxiety, fear, stress, and self doubt completely vanish and everything seems more than alright. Everything seems like I am in control and have an incredible confidence and feel like I can have anything I desire. These are the moments that I need to figure out how to increase to days and months and years rather than just brief moments in time. What I am trying to say is this feeling is more than just a brief confidence, it’s almost like I see the world completely different and my and everyone else’s consciousness’s are all just that, beautiful consciousness asserting itself within the physical confines of our bodies. There is an oddity to this because the only word I can think of to describe this view of life is cute. We are all here being the observer of ourselves and others and it is incredible. We are simply truth when it gets right down to who we are and if we understand this we can start to let our truth saturate throughout our bodies and fill all the space within ourselves to the point where we can literally walk on water if we desired. There is a science of the soul and one of the plan God has for us, it’s not that we can’t understand, we just on it haven’t thought enough.

Ultimate Goal

How can we know what we are supposed to stand for if we don’t know what our ultimate goal is? We might come to conclusions about things that we feel strongly about but we must ask ourselves what is the end of that conclusion? Where does it ultimately lead? I believe one of the greatest reasons we are here on Earth is to learn to continue on and bring life into our place. Life is the continuing staple in the universe and it is the ultimate goal. Just as we join together and create life here we will in realms to come create life eternally in ways we don’t understand yet. This is how you and I are here right now. Our spirits were created by our Heavenly Father and I testify that it is done in similar fashion in the way our physical bodies are created. There must be two to bring about one and it must be the appropriate types of two. There are things we struggle with in this life but if we finally break down and not only dabble with but wholly and utterly agree and support these ways of wrongness there will be a day when we will be wholly damned to progress any further, and that is not a good place to be. That is an eternal truth regardless of anyone’s convincing argument of their special situation. So, I ask, how can we know what we are supposed to stand for if we don’t know what our ultimate goal is? I promise you that your goal is to not hinder creation regardless of any physical, emotional, or psychological struggles, and I also promise that a human life is the most incredible creation there is and we are endowed with the sacred abilities to bring it about when the two appropriate types come together. One can stand and argue their situation as long as they want but when you know what an eternal truth is there is no compromising you’re opinion because it is not an opinion, it is an absolute. That is why people and prophets have been murdered, beaten, mocked, spit on, and hated throughout history and throughout the scriptures which are a history of God’s dealings with man, because they won’t deny what they know is true, and not only won’t deny it but will profess it to the world. We are children of God and we can become like Him and create our own spirit children and that is true. Now, do you expect people that know that to be true to denounce that by preaching ways of living that will not lead us to that point? We can in no way be blessed with Eternal Salvation if we support a damning lifestyle. It is contrary to the very laws of God Himself. We can struggle with things just as people struggle with anything but we mustn’t let those struggles determine what it is that we ultimately stand for. If you are member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints you must certainly believe President Monson is a prophet of God and that the Quorum of the Twelve are seers and revelators as well, and if you don’t than don’t raise your hand and sustain them as such. They speak the truth no matter what. They speak what is true regardless of the world’s views and standpoints and they will die and be beaten, and be spit upon for those truths, but I say they don’t face those issues today, they face public criticism from the very members which sustain them as Prophets. But I testify that there is no way one of these men will apologize for a truth, they will utterly apologize for their own weaknesses in the flesh but for a truth they will not, because it is truth that sets us apart from the world and we will not compromise or exploit truth for selfish purposes in any manner. Truth is truth and it can’t be changed no matter how many people protest and picket and gather outside sanctified buildings. Calamity in the world is starting to boil and definite sides are being drawn, this is the time where we must get off the fence and either support what is true or not. Support truth or be caught up in the tides of worldly views and criticism. There is only one way that will lead to peace and goodness, and that is the way God has been trying to get his children to understand for eternity. There is no life in supporting death. Do what is right and let the consequence follow. That is it.

Time for Business

It’s time to get down to business and start my life. I feel like a little child learning how to do everything over again because I feel like my life has just started. It’s almost like I don’t even remember a huge portion of my early existence in this world. So, I might feel a slight handicap because it seems like everyone else has already had years of experience. All I know is that I am where I am now and I’ve got to be as proactive as I possibly can in order to catch up. I’ve taken my epic journey and though I’m not sure I found out what it is that I am looking for it was definitely well needed and a good way to start off my new life. It’s like a breath of fresh air after you’ve been in a dark room under the earth for six months. I say so often that I only wish I was better at things but that time of wishing is over and the time of bringing to fruition those dreams is at hand. Though I am about twenty four years late I’ve got the rest of my life ahead of me to accomplish anything I desire, and I’ve a better idea now than ever before what it is that I do desire. I know what I believe is true and I believe in the principles of goodness. The principles of goodness works regardless of weaknesses and I know I can become who it is I’ve dreamt I will be with those principles. I only thank God for my family and friends who have looked at me and said to themselves, “Wow, Jake is kind of crazy and weird but I think he’s a good guy, I’ll help him out and give him a chance.” So I try my best to be friends with other crazy, weird people, because I relate to them.
I desire several things in my life, one is I desire to be educated, to know the world I live in and to know the hearts of the people I associate with. Another is a solid career in which I can make a decent living whilst being completely self sufficient. But I say the thing that I desire the very most is something I had when I was a little child, a goodness that you mostly only see in children. I lost that somewhere a long time ago and those others things that I’ve said I desire became useless to me because I didn’t have the very most important thing there is. I became cold and depressed and totally miserable with living and so I lost everything important to me there was, the church, best friends and family, a general health and well being and almost my life, but most damningly I lost simply a desire for anything good or a desire to do anything for that matter. How can you recover from this type of hell? It was a hell for me and I wanted to die. But I love life now, I love this world as well, and though I’ve struggled with being absolutely negative in general toward other people, I love people. People are what make other people happy, not things. So when I say I feel like a little child I am totally alright with it because it’s what makes me feel alright inside. I was looking for a miracle and I got one, I got a ton. And I’ll be outright expressive about this when I say I am a selfish person because I still need more miracles to help me out through my upcoming journeys. The only thing different now is I know how miracles work and I know how they come about which gives me an absolute confidence in the future. I am grateful and I am true in my heart. My goal is to be more on the outside the things that I write which come from inside. Basically act more like how I write, and if I can do this I’ll always be alright no matter what.

The Penrose Steps of the Gospel

The Church is True.

How do you see invisible text? hmm.

We never get our moments back. I suppose this means that we need to always be extremely careful about how we spend our time. We need to watch out for how we talk to people and treat others. Though every moment is important, I don’t mean specifically in general everyday situations, but rather we need to be careful in those moments that utterly change lives. Like I said, we never get another chance to handle those times. It is all just one moment after the other and before you know it it’s ten years later and you still find your self repeating words in the wee hours of the night that were said once upon a time in a life away. Words that so easily bring up memories that you’ve been told to forget about, but I say forget about what? I think we need to remember because people forget too easily. There will come a time when we all remember everything, when we recall all of our own mistakes clearly and not only that, but we’ll get to witness the unseen consequences of them in the night and we’ll see the secrets that enshroud through this world. I only wonder how this will change our lives at this time of reckoning. What will happen? What will change ultimately? Will we forgive? Will we forget when there is an actual, absolute truth to forget as opposed to trying to forgive and forget within the very shadows of darkness itself? How can there be true forgiveness when there is no light to be shed upon the matter. And how can there be a true rectification when the very consequences of an action utterly impede the acts necessary to complete the process? I’ve concluded that there is only one way a situation like this can come to any alright conclusion and that requires a completely divine witness to balance out the weight of the circumstances and make such an act truthful. One thing more I’ve concluded is that I truly am grateful for the intelligence of God to be able to place his children in these times of incredible decision making. these times of incredible feeling and consequence. These times are about us and yet they are about others at the same time. My Mission President once told me that yes, we serve a mission to bring others to Christ but ultimately our missions are about us, they are there to make us better in all things, to build our own character and to strengthen our own selves through strengthening others. Like I’ve talked about before, the gospel is a seemingly contradictory statement in and of its self, it’s a paradox, a paradox with an x-factor that makes it possible with the key stone of love. I don’t mean to bring a negative connotation to the gospel by saying it is a paradox. I simply use that word to describe an infinite loop that is what makes everything possible. Christ used examples and parables to even say what I am trying to reiterate, the least shall be greatest, “He that is ordained of God and sent forth, the same is appointed to be the greatest, notwithstanding he is the least and the servant of all.” How can you be the greatest yet be the least at the same time? Well, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication... Being the least is what gives you power and it is that infinite line one must walk, or in other words it is those Penrose Steps one must travel in order to be the greatest, and it is only accomplished with a true love that is the key to connecting the loop, the Steps, yet also continue progressing forward and upward. Without love we will continue to veer in an endless monotonous circle of nothingness, being neither the greatest or the least. A paradox, an infinite love, truth, all of these things are what bring about the seemingly impossible to fruition and into reality. Nothing is impossible, it’s just a matter of realizing what everything is. Also, it’s a matter of knowing what you truly want to make a reality, the key word there is ‘truly’, and coming to that knowledge not only is a learning experience but it helps us see what it is that we really do want and what we really do want to make possible. There are things we want in single moments, then there are things of the soul that we yearn for and those are the things that are possible no matter what they be. The key is love and the reason being is everything wants to be loved, I mean literally, everything.

The Smell of Books

Well, here I am sitting upon my bed getting ready to read a new book I just bought. Yep, that’s right, I bought a book. The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, Mormon Scientist. I was sitting upon my bed less than an hour ago pondering upon life and trying to figure out where I need to go and what I need to do when I had the sudden urge to walk through a book store. Not many know this and it is slightly strange I know because I am not much of a reader but I absolutely love walking around book stores more than any other stores there are. I think it is the atmosphere that is absolutely appealing, they are always so quiet and orderly, not to mention they have a distinct smell which I secretly love..weird. So, I often walk up and down the rows of books picking out a few and maybe reading a page or two than moving on to the next one that catches my eye. But this time I actually bought one, one I truly intend to read all the way through this time. I think I secretly have a deep seeded desire to read all sorts of books because I am attracted to them in every way I can think of. I think it is this person inside of me that I am yearning to be but am too blinded by the dubious rigmarole of life. I struggle with so many aspects of this world I live in. I love this world but I just can’t get it right. I don’t know how to live in it properly and make it work for me. I would like to think that my inner sincerity, regardless of my slow, improperly functioning body will eventually pay off one of these days. When everything just falls into place and is just right and I can continue unhindered to progress along this highway of life. I think now is a good time to admit that I truly do have a slight handicap. I’ve been trying to get people for years to believe that I have a mild speech impediment but alas I am also slightly slower than the regular folk. I think it has to do with years of not sleeping properly. All I know is most of the time I just want to put my head down and have someone pull my hair. It works great for headaches; just trust me on this one. I am what I am though and I truly would never want to be anyone else even though I wish I were better at certain things that I am not very good at. Well, my dear readers, thank you for your silent support and goodness. Any time I write it just feels good inside because I know that regardless of my exterior demons, I can write about goodness, and I truly hope I have touched someone by the things that I’ve written.

I, like everyone else just want to be happy. That’s all.