Below this post is the old blog. Above is its new life. Appreciate and remember the old, but welcome and look forward to the new.
New
Old
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Downright Honesty
Downright honesty.
It is so difficult to say the right things when presented with an opportunity to speak my mind. When there is something important coming I often rehearse over and over again the things I would like to say, only to, when the time is come blurt out half sentences followed by medium lengthen pauses which so “gracefully” flow into my next half spoken dialogue of the next piece of information I wanted to portray. Ultimately this ends up with me standing there trying not to stutter but doing it anyway while the other person so gently tries to understand my half brained thoughts, which were a fluent masterpiece of astounding proportions when I collaborated them in my head just moments before. Yes, it is frustrating, but alas, I do go on regardless of my flaws.
Yes, I do go on despite how I feel. Why do we feel certain ways though? I don’t know. This thing perplexes me because sometimes I feel so alright inside, like everything is ok, but other times it still feels like there is a bottomless pit in my chest that sucks away all the peace from me. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be fine one moment then out of nowhere I’ve got to deal with this crushing pressure that sits on my chest like ten thousand tons. It’s like I can’t breathe and I’m not alright inside but I continue to go on. I don’t know if it’s guilt from things I’ve done in the past or if my mind simply produces the wrong proportions of chemicals and peptides which cause me to feel horrible about myself for no good reason. This is what depression is and a whole slew of other problems, yet the only remedies I’ve found are to star gaze and to write. These things sooth my chest and make me happy to be alive and I suppose they’ll have to do until I find a permanent cure. Maybe this thing is a blessing in disguise but I want so badly to never feel this horrible way again. Maybe I’ll lose sight of those good things if I don’t feel this way once in a while. I know I would because I always lose sight of what is right when things are going great for me. I do lose sight when I’m not obligated to seek for the stars and pen my follies in my lowliness. I start to do things that truly aren’t me when I am confident about myself. I become prideful and not honest with whom I am and desire to be. I never want to forget my friends in the sky but maybe this is my biggest trial, learning how to continually be blest and continue to stay honest with myself at the same time. I think that that is the ultimate balance of power for a soul. There is opposition in all things and in all entities and when a person exercises a darkness from them it propels itself onto something else in the universe, usually something close to the person which is why we need to stay close to those we love and strengthen those around us as often as we can. This is an eternal truth. This is why there is a rising force of calamity in the world whenever the righteous become stronger in faith. The stronger a person becomes the more another is tried because the negative force in one’s life that was purged has to go somewhere, but there does not have to be an equal amount of good and evil on Earth at the same time, because ultimately Earth is likened to a living entity like us as well and it will eventually be strengthened to the point where darkness can’t abide here anymore and it will be cast off into the eternal voids in the universe to ravage whatever mumbo jumbo they find out there. It is all an incredibly intricate scale from even the smallest ant to the grand scale of the universe which in my mind is fascinating because I only see a flying jet of statistics that beam back and forth which makes sense in my head. It makes sense but it’s not like I have one thought that leads to another thought that helps me understand it, it’s more like instead of individual thoughts firing together to make a larger picture my whole brain is the thought and it just works without me having to go through all of the small monotonous work of trying to figure it out…
Sorry, I was not planning on ranting like that but it just came out so easily. It’s time for breakfast; I need to eat more healthily these days. When it comes down to anything I know I’ll be alright because I know my heart is understood by what is true, and really, why would I want to be understood by anything else? And when, at the end of my life, regardless of things I’ve accomplished or not I know that I’ll be able to say that I was honest in this life even though I did struggle, I loved with all my heart, and I did all I could to lift others up around me. So, I hope one day it’ll be recognized and this crushing weight that plagues my chest often will be taken from me and will be replaced by something that can heal and sooth on a more consistent level. I am alright though because I know what is true, even though it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Even though I don’t get it sometimes I’ll never doubt the power of prayer and what a sincere desire can accomplish. There is nothing more powerful then sincerity. Have a sincere heart, lose your fear, and miracles are born.
Well, I’ve got to eat something now but before I go I want to try an experiment. I really do believe that we create our world around us every day by our desires and thoughts. I believe the small world that surrounds us in every way gives us what we want if we are sincere in heart. So, today I want a fresh outlook on what it is that I should do, I want a continued clear perspective on those things most important to me, I want to be happy. I believe this really is what prayer is. It is simply a form of true meditation, true reflection done in the name of a being that the small world around us recognizes as the ultimate authority in the universe. If there is anything else I know it’s that God works in very, very small ways over the course of a very, very long time. It is how we learn, it is how those enlightened learn because it requires a degree of humility to see beyond the here and now.
Alright, I’ve really got to go now, but just know that it’s always fun and I hope someone gets something out of this mess of words. Take care everyone and goodbye. Thanks.
It is so difficult to say the right things when presented with an opportunity to speak my mind. When there is something important coming I often rehearse over and over again the things I would like to say, only to, when the time is come blurt out half sentences followed by medium lengthen pauses which so “gracefully” flow into my next half spoken dialogue of the next piece of information I wanted to portray. Ultimately this ends up with me standing there trying not to stutter but doing it anyway while the other person so gently tries to understand my half brained thoughts, which were a fluent masterpiece of astounding proportions when I collaborated them in my head just moments before. Yes, it is frustrating, but alas, I do go on regardless of my flaws.
Yes, I do go on despite how I feel. Why do we feel certain ways though? I don’t know. This thing perplexes me because sometimes I feel so alright inside, like everything is ok, but other times it still feels like there is a bottomless pit in my chest that sucks away all the peace from me. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be fine one moment then out of nowhere I’ve got to deal with this crushing pressure that sits on my chest like ten thousand tons. It’s like I can’t breathe and I’m not alright inside but I continue to go on. I don’t know if it’s guilt from things I’ve done in the past or if my mind simply produces the wrong proportions of chemicals and peptides which cause me to feel horrible about myself for no good reason. This is what depression is and a whole slew of other problems, yet the only remedies I’ve found are to star gaze and to write. These things sooth my chest and make me happy to be alive and I suppose they’ll have to do until I find a permanent cure. Maybe this thing is a blessing in disguise but I want so badly to never feel this horrible way again. Maybe I’ll lose sight of those good things if I don’t feel this way once in a while. I know I would because I always lose sight of what is right when things are going great for me. I do lose sight when I’m not obligated to seek for the stars and pen my follies in my lowliness. I start to do things that truly aren’t me when I am confident about myself. I become prideful and not honest with whom I am and desire to be. I never want to forget my friends in the sky but maybe this is my biggest trial, learning how to continually be blest and continue to stay honest with myself at the same time. I think that that is the ultimate balance of power for a soul. There is opposition in all things and in all entities and when a person exercises a darkness from them it propels itself onto something else in the universe, usually something close to the person which is why we need to stay close to those we love and strengthen those around us as often as we can. This is an eternal truth. This is why there is a rising force of calamity in the world whenever the righteous become stronger in faith. The stronger a person becomes the more another is tried because the negative force in one’s life that was purged has to go somewhere, but there does not have to be an equal amount of good and evil on Earth at the same time, because ultimately Earth is likened to a living entity like us as well and it will eventually be strengthened to the point where darkness can’t abide here anymore and it will be cast off into the eternal voids in the universe to ravage whatever mumbo jumbo they find out there. It is all an incredibly intricate scale from even the smallest ant to the grand scale of the universe which in my mind is fascinating because I only see a flying jet of statistics that beam back and forth which makes sense in my head. It makes sense but it’s not like I have one thought that leads to another thought that helps me understand it, it’s more like instead of individual thoughts firing together to make a larger picture my whole brain is the thought and it just works without me having to go through all of the small monotonous work of trying to figure it out…
Sorry, I was not planning on ranting like that but it just came out so easily. It’s time for breakfast; I need to eat more healthily these days. When it comes down to anything I know I’ll be alright because I know my heart is understood by what is true, and really, why would I want to be understood by anything else? And when, at the end of my life, regardless of things I’ve accomplished or not I know that I’ll be able to say that I was honest in this life even though I did struggle, I loved with all my heart, and I did all I could to lift others up around me. So, I hope one day it’ll be recognized and this crushing weight that plagues my chest often will be taken from me and will be replaced by something that can heal and sooth on a more consistent level. I am alright though because I know what is true, even though it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Even though I don’t get it sometimes I’ll never doubt the power of prayer and what a sincere desire can accomplish. There is nothing more powerful then sincerity. Have a sincere heart, lose your fear, and miracles are born.
Well, I’ve got to eat something now but before I go I want to try an experiment. I really do believe that we create our world around us every day by our desires and thoughts. I believe the small world that surrounds us in every way gives us what we want if we are sincere in heart. So, today I want a fresh outlook on what it is that I should do, I want a continued clear perspective on those things most important to me, I want to be happy. I believe this really is what prayer is. It is simply a form of true meditation, true reflection done in the name of a being that the small world around us recognizes as the ultimate authority in the universe. If there is anything else I know it’s that God works in very, very small ways over the course of a very, very long time. It is how we learn, it is how those enlightened learn because it requires a degree of humility to see beyond the here and now.
Alright, I’ve really got to go now, but just know that it’s always fun and I hope someone gets something out of this mess of words. Take care everyone and goodbye. Thanks.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Just know I will...
I woke up this morning and I wanted to run, so I rolled out of bed, got down on the floor and meditated for a half hour. Then I ate a bowl of some generic strawberry flake cereal that I found in the far corners of my pantry and then I jogged to wal mart. I can’t say I’ve ever just ran just to run. I’ve hiked often but I really enjoyed this jogging thing. There is something about those types of activities that really put things into perspective and help the mind come to crisper conclusions. It’s true that I’m not sure I know why I do half of the things I do most of the time, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why other people do anything. I don’t mean I don’t know why people do things but I don’t understand why people do the specific things they choose to do. We are all just people and that’s why we simply can’t judge others. People will be people and that’s how it will always be so there is no point in making life harder by being judgmental and proud. We only live this life one day at a time and each day we can choose to do something great or just sit back and watch our dreams pass us by. There are things in this life worth being a little crazy for and worth stepping out and trying to snatch by maneuvering out of our bubble. Then there are other things that we want that simply aren’t worth our time that only blind us from having what it is that we truly desire. I feel sorry for the person who lets those most precious things slip out of their lives, because I know how it feels and I don’t want anybody to ever feel how I did. Nothing is worth losing a true happiness, but the saddest thing is so many of us only learn this lesson by losing it in the first place. I have always wondered if my prayers really do anything for those I pray for. I suppose they must because that’s why I pray. I pray for those I love, even those whom I’ll never see again. Maybe I shouldn’t though, but I only wonder who is to decide what is appropriate to say in a prayer. Who are we to pray for? I think it comes down to the very spirit itself which should decide. I believe there are literal angels that listen to our prayers and send help to those we desire to be safe and happy. I believe this because I know people have prayed for me and I’ve felt those angels in my life. If only I could be all the time worthy for those angels to guide me in the right direction and to touch my life so I can touch other’s lives in a similar fashion. I want so badly to simply be freed from all those things that drag me down. I really don’t want anything more than that because once I can feel that type of freedom then I’ll be able to receive all the blessings that Heavenly Father wishes me to have. How can I find my way in this world if the world has no way for me? How can I find those who are true if I follow those who aren’t? Why do I continue to choose things that hurt me? I only want what’s good and others should too. How can I pray for another to find peace when I myself am struggling with the same problem? I feel like I need to do something with this blog. There are so many things written here that only take me to a time I need to move on from. I’m not going to remove it but I will implement a password soon. Maybe one day I’ll open it up again for any who remember it. Though I know there have been some crazy things written here, for the most part this blog is who I am. It contains some of the most intimate parts of me and describes a life I so desire. The words are me because they come from my mind and heart. They are what I love, they are what I desire, they are what I believe to be good as far as I know what goodness is. Heaven knows who these words have reached because I certainly don’t but I believe they have reached some. I believe they have helped many through those few they have reached like a ripple which affects every other ripple around them. I’ll leave it open for about a week before I put a password on it for any who are wondering. Even though I’ll still have it I feel like I’m saying goodbye to… goodbye to someone, someone who might be out there that I’ve helped in some way or another. Just know I’ll continue to write because writing is what I have that consoles me. It sooths and helps me in every way there is. This is me, this is who I am, and even though I don’t like to stop something that’s good, good isn’t good enough when there is something better. Thank you everyone that I know who has helped me, because heaven knows I’ve needed help. I am grateful for everyone in my life and only wish the best for them. Goodbye my close friends. I love you all, goodbye.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The prose of a man who befriended the Heavens
The prose of a man who befriended the Heavens
“If only I had a Urim and Thummim so I could translate the heavens into words I could understand. They speak though profoundly and the wishes of my heart seem near when I listen carefully. Why do they seem near when they be far away? Is it merely a comforter or do they truly speak the words that shall be? Maybe I just don’t understand yet, maybe I’ve not lived long enough to witness fulfillment of my sincere desires. Maybe this is a time for preparing for those profound grants. Maybe the Lord works in grander ways then I can even start fathoming to fathom. I know that I can choose my path but I pray God has a path for me already waiting and cleared just for me. One that after I choose in my own good faith will be there and peace will rain down from the sky and like the droplet I’ll be able to hold it in my hands and act how Christ did when He wiped away my tears. I am a wanderer in the earth for now. I seek a straight road that cuts through the tangled harvest. I seek a light that sheens through the confusing mists. I’ve seen it before so I know it is there but I became lost in strange roads that twist and fade into dusty fields where there is no direction or water. These baron fields tried to have me believe that there is no definitive road that leads to eternal joy and that the worms under my feet are all there is. In this place I not only found myself utterly lost but I lost that peace of which I spoke, which it itself is the most precious thing there is to have. So now I pray, I pray that the writing in the sky will lead me back to that straight road where I can find true happiness, where I can travel not at lightning speed but at the speed at which is granted for me to have peace. Then is the place where I will learn how to become as the light where I can shine to those who are afraid and unsure of where to turn. I’ll write in similar fashion as my divine teacher who is the night sky and I’ll let my words hint and comfort in little whispers as does he. I will not be afraid to write what is true, for, I’ve only been given truth by the stars and they are whom I emulate. They comforted me in my time of desperate need and now I will try to do the same for those who desire something more, something grander then the world which lies in a fog that tries to block out those comforting, subtle hints of truth and peace. The world loudly throws itself at you to try and cause your attention to look over that which is quiet and lovely. I know why the heavens are what they are now. They are they because they could no longer stand in the midst of the world. So now, their quiet demeanor yet their pure grandeur is only beheld by those who might glance up softly once and awhile because they start to lose what they previously considered their fondest love or their way of life in this foggy world, it’s those who look for something they simply cannot receive in their world until they search in a place where they are so inherently attracted to be. All the while the heavens hope and pray for company. They pray that someone will see their humbly brilliant light. They could never throw themselves at those who they desire, for, it stands in utter confliction to whom they are. They quietly shine and let those who yearn for a wonderful peace to search them out and find them. Those are the relationships that last. Those are the ones that go beyond mere physicality and stretch into the heart. This type of genuine love is what the heavens have mastered in their complete subjection and humility. And they understand that those who soon will feel as they, will glance up and desire more as well. They wait patiently for company and I’m sure they weep often when no one shows up at their door. Yet they are beautiful. If I am the only one this night to give tribute to the grandeur and incredible patience of the heavens then I will still give tribute. My feet will trod the earth but my heart will stand in the midst of those stars that hold it more gently then I have ever felt before. I will find my road that leads to peace and I will write as I go, for, write is what I heard from those heavens in my time of need. And to me, if there is any miracle that I’ve seen this far it is just that very thing. Vivid as red I was told to write from innumerable prayers. I only wonder how many others this answer throughout the grand history of this world has touched. Many I’m sure who sought simply nothing more than to have the will of the Lord implemented in their sorrows at the time. I wonder as well how many marvelous works, how many masterpieces have been composed and penned because a soul had nothing else in the world but the words themselves of which they found solace. The heavens are only a reflecting pool of the soul. One can see himself in the eternities that stretch throughout all of endlessness. There is where lies God, the Alpha and Omega, the Genesis of all things and the End of all things. This is where our potential is but in this world we see only this world before us and we seek for temporary gifts that give only temporary happiness. I will gratefully endure the pains of this world one hundred fold if it means that lasting peace will find me one of these days. I only pray my God deems me worthy of this gift so great. This gift so endlessly genuine it breaks down all walls and corrodes away all pride so that this gift can endure. I wish this thing beyond what wishes can hold. I live, I love, I am what I am and I will continue to be so. There is something special about these words that are written in the stars, something that helps those who look, to breathe more freely, and maybe, just maybe the heavens, like a compass direct and guide those who do look to others of like hearts who also feel those still yearning emotions. Maybe there is something more to the night sky then twinkling little lights. I know there is and to those who say there is not, I say you cannot deny its beauty. And when one realizes its beauty a soul cannot deny the feelings which stir the bosom in such an incredible way. This is the subtle little stirs of truth which mimic the subtle little twinkling’s of the stars. One can find themselves in those heavens and when they do they can find love which is what they themselves yearn for as well. It’s only when we find ourselves that they are honored, this is the purpose of the night sky, this is the love of the stars, and throughout all travail and sorrow which it conquers, I profess in all of the humility of my spirit that this is the grandest glory of the heavens!”
“If only I had a Urim and Thummim so I could translate the heavens into words I could understand. They speak though profoundly and the wishes of my heart seem near when I listen carefully. Why do they seem near when they be far away? Is it merely a comforter or do they truly speak the words that shall be? Maybe I just don’t understand yet, maybe I’ve not lived long enough to witness fulfillment of my sincere desires. Maybe this is a time for preparing for those profound grants. Maybe the Lord works in grander ways then I can even start fathoming to fathom. I know that I can choose my path but I pray God has a path for me already waiting and cleared just for me. One that after I choose in my own good faith will be there and peace will rain down from the sky and like the droplet I’ll be able to hold it in my hands and act how Christ did when He wiped away my tears. I am a wanderer in the earth for now. I seek a straight road that cuts through the tangled harvest. I seek a light that sheens through the confusing mists. I’ve seen it before so I know it is there but I became lost in strange roads that twist and fade into dusty fields where there is no direction or water. These baron fields tried to have me believe that there is no definitive road that leads to eternal joy and that the worms under my feet are all there is. In this place I not only found myself utterly lost but I lost that peace of which I spoke, which it itself is the most precious thing there is to have. So now I pray, I pray that the writing in the sky will lead me back to that straight road where I can find true happiness, where I can travel not at lightning speed but at the speed at which is granted for me to have peace. Then is the place where I will learn how to become as the light where I can shine to those who are afraid and unsure of where to turn. I’ll write in similar fashion as my divine teacher who is the night sky and I’ll let my words hint and comfort in little whispers as does he. I will not be afraid to write what is true, for, I’ve only been given truth by the stars and they are whom I emulate. They comforted me in my time of desperate need and now I will try to do the same for those who desire something more, something grander then the world which lies in a fog that tries to block out those comforting, subtle hints of truth and peace. The world loudly throws itself at you to try and cause your attention to look over that which is quiet and lovely. I know why the heavens are what they are now. They are they because they could no longer stand in the midst of the world. So now, their quiet demeanor yet their pure grandeur is only beheld by those who might glance up softly once and awhile because they start to lose what they previously considered their fondest love or their way of life in this foggy world, it’s those who look for something they simply cannot receive in their world until they search in a place where they are so inherently attracted to be. All the while the heavens hope and pray for company. They pray that someone will see their humbly brilliant light. They could never throw themselves at those who they desire, for, it stands in utter confliction to whom they are. They quietly shine and let those who yearn for a wonderful peace to search them out and find them. Those are the relationships that last. Those are the ones that go beyond mere physicality and stretch into the heart. This type of genuine love is what the heavens have mastered in their complete subjection and humility. And they understand that those who soon will feel as they, will glance up and desire more as well. They wait patiently for company and I’m sure they weep often when no one shows up at their door. Yet they are beautiful. If I am the only one this night to give tribute to the grandeur and incredible patience of the heavens then I will still give tribute. My feet will trod the earth but my heart will stand in the midst of those stars that hold it more gently then I have ever felt before. I will find my road that leads to peace and I will write as I go, for, write is what I heard from those heavens in my time of need. And to me, if there is any miracle that I’ve seen this far it is just that very thing. Vivid as red I was told to write from innumerable prayers. I only wonder how many others this answer throughout the grand history of this world has touched. Many I’m sure who sought simply nothing more than to have the will of the Lord implemented in their sorrows at the time. I wonder as well how many marvelous works, how many masterpieces have been composed and penned because a soul had nothing else in the world but the words themselves of which they found solace. The heavens are only a reflecting pool of the soul. One can see himself in the eternities that stretch throughout all of endlessness. There is where lies God, the Alpha and Omega, the Genesis of all things and the End of all things. This is where our potential is but in this world we see only this world before us and we seek for temporary gifts that give only temporary happiness. I will gratefully endure the pains of this world one hundred fold if it means that lasting peace will find me one of these days. I only pray my God deems me worthy of this gift so great. This gift so endlessly genuine it breaks down all walls and corrodes away all pride so that this gift can endure. I wish this thing beyond what wishes can hold. I live, I love, I am what I am and I will continue to be so. There is something special about these words that are written in the stars, something that helps those who look, to breathe more freely, and maybe, just maybe the heavens, like a compass direct and guide those who do look to others of like hearts who also feel those still yearning emotions. Maybe there is something more to the night sky then twinkling little lights. I know there is and to those who say there is not, I say you cannot deny its beauty. And when one realizes its beauty a soul cannot deny the feelings which stir the bosom in such an incredible way. This is the subtle little stirs of truth which mimic the subtle little twinkling’s of the stars. One can find themselves in those heavens and when they do they can find love which is what they themselves yearn for as well. It’s only when we find ourselves that they are honored, this is the purpose of the night sky, this is the love of the stars, and throughout all travail and sorrow which it conquers, I profess in all of the humility of my spirit that this is the grandest glory of the heavens!”
Friday, October 29, 2010
Poetry is an orphan of silence
“Poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them.”
-Charles Simic
-Charles Simic
Thursday, October 28, 2010
That's why we are here
Well, as the discouragement sets in I’ve contemplated becoming a bum on the street due to a lack of people willing to employ me. No, I’m just kidding, I’m not discouraged yet… Truthfully though, it’s more work trying to find a job for a person like me then actually having one. I’ve got a plan though and I’ve unlocked a secret in my brain. For the majority of my life I’ve been so aimless and scatterbrained, never able to concentrate my desires into a single point of focus-ing-ness… (Just call me lazy on that one) So, basically what I’m going to do is get a job for crying out loud and pay off all of my debt. Once that is accomplished I’ve got to go and get myself into a whole ‘nother mess of debt by going to school; a thing I’ve tried in the past but have lacked a collection of four specific things that are in my opinion the most important things to get anything done in this life. I have all of them now, and I would say in abundance. They are desire, determination, good help, and the most important of all for me at least, mental stability. Seriously, I want to learn, doesn’t even matter what and I’m definitely determined, more than I’ve ever been. I’ve got help so much now, not that I didn’t have it before but I’m making the matter more aware and reaching out and I’ve realized how many people are actually there for me. Also, I can truthfully say that I’m in my right mind, I am strong and sound now and I’ve locked those plans into my head and in my heart, and by golly if I’ve ever had a plan I’m gonna do this one. The job doesn’t matter so much to me, even working minimum wage is alright as long as I’m doing something. It’s more a matter of principle then it is pride when it comes to where I will work. Will I work at wal-mart? Of course I will, will I work at mcdonalds? No. That’s all the example I’ll give on that one, you can figure it out. Then, school, I really am not sure where, or what I want to study. I know that I definitely want to take some writing classes and photography classes but when it comes to a major I’m not sure. I have seriously considered the medical field though. I don’t want to be a certified doctor but something like a Phlebotomist or x-ray technician would be awesome in my opinion. The reason is, is because I did take medical associated classes when I did go to school and truthfully I loved it even though I failed…sigh. But, I didn’t have an abundance at all of my four things then. The reason I’m writing about this is because I want to make it a reality and something that I’ve found is writing your desires helps them come about more so then not. I am in love. I am in love with my new outlook on life and even though I’m just barely getting started I don’t know how people manage without it. I don’t know how people walk around everyday unhappy because that is no way to go. It isn’t what life is supposed to be like and for those who are not happy, please find out what it is that’s making you sad and change anything you have to. Even change things that you think you can’t do without because those things are the most damning of all, and understand what it is that those things really are and be honest with yourself. Please be happy and make it a reality. I am grateful for everything I have and though I desire to better my life I will never think badly upon the times where I didn’t have much. I am blest in this world, but most importantly I know that I am blest beyond this world and into the infinities that come. And though I can’t stand constantly filling out applications I will fulfill my goals and I won’t be mediocre at them. I will be exceptional even if I fail more classes because I will not give up. I will give this world what it needs and has always needed, and that is an exceptional strength and character. Throughout the pages of history the world loves those verses when great people stand up and become more then what was expected, when people touch upon their truest potentials in this life and not only strive for its own wealth but offer it a glimpse of eternity. I write these things because I am in no way at this point in my life right now but I feel it, I’ve always felt this potential and I know that what I write becomes a part of me and helps me to focus on what it is that I am true at. I’ve been the least, I have been the very least and I know how to give thanks when I have nothing. Now it is time for me to learn how to give thanks when I have much, because it seems like folks lose sight of their God when things are going great, and I don’t exclude myself from that bunch at all, that is why I desire to learn. I desire to learn so I can become free from ignorance and pride. And I will learn, nothing can stop me. I’ve seen my potential and I’ve felt it for years, now I need to simply touch it, and once I do that I can get a hold of it and grasp it and pull myself up onto it and I fear there is no turning back after that. I stated it in that way because humanities truest fears are becoming great, not being mediocre which is what the norm is. We are comfortable being less then great, we are comfortable with living just under what it is that we can truly accomplish. Imagine all the people stepping passed their own self implemented limitations. How much greater would the world be. Please, give up on being less then who you are. We are great and the soul of a person will conquer in the end, why wait for it to come? We have the power to do it now. That’s why we are here. That’s why we are here.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The greatest force in the universe...
Do words feed people? Do they sink into the reader’s skin, and mind, and heart? Do they change people? Do they cause people to think more like the writer by the way the writer collects the words? I think all of those things are true. And I think the written word is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, next to compound interest…
I believe what is contained in books, papers, scrolls, word documents, and online forums or blogs are, regardless of the content, of great value. Even works that aren’t specifically your cup of tea, or even appropriate sometimes because what is written is what the person who wrote them is. Words give an indispensible insight into the writer’s soul. We can read and evaluate for ourselves what is good and what isn’t and learn from our current database of knowledge. I believe though that we mustn’t let our preconceived notions automatically rule out peoples words of whom these certain people we might not originally like, but rather read with intent regardless of who the writer is. Read with intent solely to find out truth and don’t rely on others opinions so vastly. We must be honest with ourselves when evaluating what is good and true, but we cannot evaluate something we have heard second or third hand because we can evaluate what it is that we heard but in no way are the things we hear second hand most of the time even remotely likened to what it actually, originally was. Be truthful with yourself and be selfless when coming to conclusions. I say that, but is there a time when we must be selfish in order to attain something good? Possibly, but that is a topic for another day. All in all and right down to it the things people write are the reflections of their hearts and even though our bodies and minds might not function at the appropriate level sometimes, even children know how to love.
The worries of the world nary stay
When I read the words etched in the sky,
Loneliness, fear, and doubt do stray
When I hold this book so humbly nigh.
It reads “I’m not much yet I have my words,
And I have very little but I am more free
Then those who are great in the eyes of your world
For, I am my words and my words are me.”
I believe what is contained in books, papers, scrolls, word documents, and online forums or blogs are, regardless of the content, of great value. Even works that aren’t specifically your cup of tea, or even appropriate sometimes because what is written is what the person who wrote them is. Words give an indispensible insight into the writer’s soul. We can read and evaluate for ourselves what is good and what isn’t and learn from our current database of knowledge. I believe though that we mustn’t let our preconceived notions automatically rule out peoples words of whom these certain people we might not originally like, but rather read with intent regardless of who the writer is. Read with intent solely to find out truth and don’t rely on others opinions so vastly. We must be honest with ourselves when evaluating what is good and true, but we cannot evaluate something we have heard second or third hand because we can evaluate what it is that we heard but in no way are the things we hear second hand most of the time even remotely likened to what it actually, originally was. Be truthful with yourself and be selfless when coming to conclusions. I say that, but is there a time when we must be selfish in order to attain something good? Possibly, but that is a topic for another day. All in all and right down to it the things people write are the reflections of their hearts and even though our bodies and minds might not function at the appropriate level sometimes, even children know how to love.
The worries of the world nary stay
When I read the words etched in the sky,
Loneliness, fear, and doubt do stray
When I hold this book so humbly nigh.
It reads “I’m not much yet I have my words,
And I have very little but I am more free
Then those who are great in the eyes of your world
For, I am my words and my words are me.”
Friday, October 22, 2010
Grace Enstrom
There are a few things that give me a sensation that I just can’t explain no matter how hard I try. I can try and use words like peaceful, harmonious, stillness, but those words, though all reminiscent of this sensation don’t quite capture what it is fully that I feel in my chest. These things include star gazing and the heavens above, kneeling in prayer in the still of the night, going to the temple, and though there are other things I will conclude this brief list with a certain painting I own which is entitled “Grace” by Enstrom. It is a painting of a grey bearded fellow praying over his meal. There is what I believe to be a bowl of tomato soup and loaf of bread on the table. There is also what I presume to be his bible next to him on the table and his spectacles resting gently upon it. Everything about this painting emanates this deep sensation I speak of. I found it one day in a pile of junk that my family was either going to throw away or give to Deseret Industries. I had never seen it before and couldn’t believe they were getting rid of it. It struck me as remarkable the instant I saw it so I knew that I had to save it from its undetermined fate. I took it and I’ve had it up on my walls ever since. Just a few years in my possession and I find myself staring at it often as I walk in and out of my room. There is a definite spirit to it which I love and am grateful for. It is a unique painting which I found out was actually a photograph first. Also it apparently is a famous picture that many churches use in their buildings. Since starting this entry I’ve looked it up because for some reason I’ve never done it before and upon starting this was perplexed at why I never had. I love its antique feel, the warmth of its spirit and simply the genuine look of the man within the portrait. The photographer, Enstrom, said after years of photography and thousands of professional pictures that this was his best and favorite of them all. It is not hard to see why. It truly captures something that is very special, and this type of special only comes along once in a great while because it is hard to capture in just the right way. If not done just in the ideal method a photo trying to catch something like “Grace” will turn out quite ambiguous and negatively contradictory. This type of thing has to be captured ultimately genuinely and sincerely and from the story of its design I believe it was. It truly is a remarkable portrait and I am grateful for it and the genuine spirit it brings to my room. Thank you Eric Enstrom for your touch in the art of photography, I admire your abilities and hope to capture photos of like feel. I will always look on it with a grateful heart because in my opinion “grateful” is the overall feel of the specific man and this wonderful piece of art.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
These are the places...
Why do we look into the heavens? Why do we stare at the stars? Why is it that wise men and prophets so often found inspiration from those twinkling little dots that speckle the night sky? What is it that they contain that offers so much wisdom to those who study them? Before humanity even had telescopes people found their lives within those stars. They learned from them, but what is it that we do learn from simply gazing upward? I find myself doing this thing often and I cannot describe the wonder that stirs in me. It’s almost like a sacred communion of spirit to the infinite cosmos above. When I look at the stars I feel alright and the worries of the world don’t matter as much because there is so much more than this world and if I can somehow replicate this wonder that I so truly admire within myself then I can shine like the stars to those who seek honest truth, because when it gets down to it there is nothing more honest then the heavens, perfect harmony of indefinable genius and beauty working together. It is amazing to me to try and understand the character of the night sky. It is so incredibly observable yet few observe it on any regular basis. It’s like not recognizing or appreciating the warmth of a blanket on a cold winter’s day. I don’t know all the names of the constellations or even which ones are planets instead of stars but I just love the sensation I get from simply looking up. It’s like I can breathe freely and I didn’t realize before that I wasn’t. One thing that I don’t know how many people realize is that there are planets orbiting every single one of those little stars. Each one isn’t just a star, it is a sun feeding light and warmth to planets, a complete solar system surrounds those twinkling dots. In our solar system Earth lies within what Astronomers call the Habitable Zone where water can exist in a liquid form causing it to be suitable for life to be. How many stars can you see with your naked eye? I would say absolutely thousands and how many more can be seen with telescopes? Infinite amounts, and this is just what we can see. Now, what are the odds that even just one of these suns out of our infinite sky has a planet within that habitable zone where water runs down hill and carves through valleys? Water is what gives life to all things? These are the places where God can let his children inhabit and grow and learn. I truthfully believe that when I look into the stars I have a direct line of sight view with other people who could literally be looking back at me from their Habitable Zone within their solar system. This is what I mean when I say a sacred communion; star gazing envelops so much within that realm of sacredness. Belief, hope, infinity, knowledge, the vastness of our universe testifies of our own abilities when you look and feel that awe and how it is different from any other sensation we tend to think is relieving for us in this world. It’s complete sincerity because it is so vast and always there yet it never forces us to look. Its beauty is to be seen only by those who will see it and that is the ultimate appreciation. Not boasting our abilities yet performing our abilities for others to see if they desire and for those who do desire they find a sense of understanding and responsibility that is hard to define but very distinct because it is so unbelievable but obviously right in front of us for any to see. It is a desire that causes them to realize the importance in truth and sets them apart from others who don’t look. It is a blessing yet a burden. It is solemn freedom from the chains that drag us down because our souls are free and we realize that when we look at the ultimate testimony of truth in the sky. We are children of God. We are capable of anything good. We can love and be loved. And we can know the hearts of people. This place is more remarkable than I know. The wisest of men knows that he knows nothing yet yearns to know more. The church is true my friends. Goodnight.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Deterring Clouds
O, there is nothing better! I am filled with excitement right now. I was bummed earlier to still see clouds over my house because I wanted to go sit out on my roof and gaze upward for awhile but the deterring clouds ushered in a sequence of events that led me to this thrilling beginning. I’ve started writing a new story that I saw unfold in front of my eyes whilst I was sitting on my front steps watching my breath dissipate into the darkness. I oddly enough, often act out scenes that I imagine in my head to myself when no one is watching, but I think people catch me and walk in on me quite a bit and I usually just smile and let them think what they will. Well, anyway it doesn’t have a name yet but I haven’t been this excited about writing out a plot since I first envisioned The Journey Scroll. The Journey Scroll is a project I started before I even knew how to spell half of the words I was trying to write and so I have utterly determined that I need to completely rewrite every chapter of that story if it ever is to be something more than just a Word document on my laptop. Rewriting it all is somewhat daunting and a task I don’t feel ready to do just yet but since I originally finished The Journey Scroll I’ve grown so incredibly much within my writing ability. This is why I am so excited about my new story. I don’t know if anything can replace The Journey Scroll but I promise this one is going to be pretty epic if you like (undetermined genre) stories. I’ll keep you updated. Thanks bye.
I do what I do best
I don’t understand it. There must be something wrong with the chemicals in my brain. Sometimes I talk to everyone and am confident in the things I say and do and I actually enjoy this thing they call a social life. Other times, even with the same people I stutter and repeat myself and am not sure what it is I’m actually trying to talk about. Ask anyone that really knows me. It’s pretty frustrating but life is still good either way. I’m currently trying to keep my head out of the clouds so I can be more” normal”. It’s not my goal to fit in with the crowd but rather be able to relate to more people so I can stand out in a better light. What now though? Why do I feel so aloof from this world? Maybe I really do have some mental block or illness that causes me to feel strange all the time. My head feels funny the majority of the day and when I say funny I mean it’s not usually a head ache but it feels like exactly how I said, it feels like my head is in a cloud and I can’t think straight let alone act like a normally functioning person. I promise I don’t drink or do drugs but yet I’ve been on high prescription medication before so I know how it feels and that is how I feel a lot of the time. It’s like my body just naturally does it and I’ve learned the best I can to cope with it but it is a thorn in my side. I’ll keep doing what I do though because I guess that’s what I do best…
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My Swing
My Swing
Not a place better then where I find my
Self wander to in the still of the night,
The chill of the air, the familiar art,
The warmth of my swing which cradled my heart.
Here I wrote of stars in the sky,
Of ants on the ground and dragons that fly,
Here I lived a world unseen
As the rock of my swing succored me dreams.
I’ll never forget this sacred place
Where I first heard the ring in my ears,
So peaceful I couldn’t hear anything else
Other than it and the drip of my tears.
And when I’d get stuck on a verse or a rhyme
I’d nudge the ground and gently swing
It didn’t know that its sway was so truly kind
Because to me at that time it was everything.
-Jacob Winterfeldt
Not a place better then where I find my
Self wander to in the still of the night,
The chill of the air, the familiar art,
The warmth of my swing which cradled my heart.
Here I wrote of stars in the sky,
Of ants on the ground and dragons that fly,
Here I lived a world unseen
As the rock of my swing succored me dreams.
I’ll never forget this sacred place
Where I first heard the ring in my ears,
So peaceful I couldn’t hear anything else
Other than it and the drip of my tears.
And when I’d get stuck on a verse or a rhyme
I’d nudge the ground and gently swing
It didn’t know that its sway was so truly kind
Because to me at that time it was everything.
-Jacob Winterfeldt
Monday, October 11, 2010
Corporeal Hands
I often, within the moments of succumbing to sleep open my eyes and write about what it was that I was thinking about at that moment of passing into humble slumber. Than the next day I read it and I often surprise myself by the content of the writing. It’s quite strange sometimes but it’s alright because most of the time I think it’s good, but it does carry with it an odd side affect. I know the world I live in is here and now but what of dreams and visions? What of reality as a whole? Is the world outside of me constant and unchangeable regardless of me, or do I create the world around me with every moment I live? Well, I believe I create my world depending upon how I think and that my thoughts are the outcome of the future but it must be consistent thought. We remember the past and I say we can remember the future just in different context. When a person thinks continually about a certain thing that person becomes those thoughts on the outside whether they are good or bad. It is not what is outside of us that we need to learn to control because that way we will never attain true power. The height of our power then is limited to what we can physically lift and manipulate with our corporeal hands. It is what is inside that we need to learn to control because then is when we can literally accomplish anything by means of true thought radiating outward throughout our body. We create the world we live in, that means we can really have anything we want. But finding out what we want is all a part of learning how to master ourselves within. Because most likely what you want is not what you need, and getting right down to it we want what we need, yet often times we don’t really need what we think we need. We want what is most important and the things that are most important are those things that catch your eye but aren’t quit there when you turn and look, and they are that momentary shooting star you spent hours gazing into the sky to see, or when you pick up on something in a crowded room that no one else did and you quietly recognize the significance of it to yourself yet cannot speak it again to someone else, the most important things are what it feels like when you crawl out of bed even when you are so tired and kneel down because you forgot to say your prayers that night and still gratefully address Heavenly Father. Those are the things that are important and things like unto them.
Well, out of most everything I write I have certainly come to one conclusion, and that is either the things I say and write really do have some significance and meaning or they are simply the delusions of a man who’s lost his mind, they might be a little bit of both but either way I don’t see any reason not to continue because it’s just what I do. If I’m crazy then I’m crazy and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, but if there is something true to what I say then I know it’s true and I figure if I add as much good as I can to it then it can’t be too far off of something that’s right. I have moments of awe when everything is alright and attainable and in those moments anxiety, fear, stress, and self doubt completely vanish and everything seems more than alright. Everything seems like I am in control and have an incredible confidence and feel like I can have anything I desire. These are the moments that I need to figure out how to increase to days and months and years rather than just brief moments in time. What I am trying to say is this feeling is more than just a brief confidence, it’s almost like I see the world completely different and my and everyone else’s consciousness’s are all just that, beautiful consciousness asserting itself within the physical confines of our bodies. There is an oddity to this because the only word I can think of to describe this view of life is cute. We are all here being the observer of ourselves and others and it is incredible. We are simply truth when it gets right down to who we are and if we understand this we can start to let our truth saturate throughout our bodies and fill all the space within ourselves to the point where we can literally walk on water if we desired. There is a science of the soul and one of the plan God has for us, it’s not that we can’t understand, we just on it haven’t thought enough.
Well, out of most everything I write I have certainly come to one conclusion, and that is either the things I say and write really do have some significance and meaning or they are simply the delusions of a man who’s lost his mind, they might be a little bit of both but either way I don’t see any reason not to continue because it’s just what I do. If I’m crazy then I’m crazy and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, but if there is something true to what I say then I know it’s true and I figure if I add as much good as I can to it then it can’t be too far off of something that’s right. I have moments of awe when everything is alright and attainable and in those moments anxiety, fear, stress, and self doubt completely vanish and everything seems more than alright. Everything seems like I am in control and have an incredible confidence and feel like I can have anything I desire. These are the moments that I need to figure out how to increase to days and months and years rather than just brief moments in time. What I am trying to say is this feeling is more than just a brief confidence, it’s almost like I see the world completely different and my and everyone else’s consciousness’s are all just that, beautiful consciousness asserting itself within the physical confines of our bodies. There is an oddity to this because the only word I can think of to describe this view of life is cute. We are all here being the observer of ourselves and others and it is incredible. We are simply truth when it gets right down to who we are and if we understand this we can start to let our truth saturate throughout our bodies and fill all the space within ourselves to the point where we can literally walk on water if we desired. There is a science of the soul and one of the plan God has for us, it’s not that we can’t understand, we just on it haven’t thought enough.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Ultimate Goal
How can we know what we are supposed to stand for if we don’t know what our ultimate goal is? We might come to conclusions about things that we feel strongly about but we must ask ourselves what is the end of that conclusion? Where does it ultimately lead? I believe one of the greatest reasons we are here on Earth is to learn to continue on and bring life into our place. Life is the continuing staple in the universe and it is the ultimate goal. Just as we join together and create life here we will in realms to come create life eternally in ways we don’t understand yet. This is how you and I are here right now. Our spirits were created by our Heavenly Father and I testify that it is done in similar fashion in the way our physical bodies are created. There must be two to bring about one and it must be the appropriate types of two. There are things we struggle with in this life but if we finally break down and not only dabble with but wholly and utterly agree and support these ways of wrongness there will be a day when we will be wholly damned to progress any further, and that is not a good place to be. That is an eternal truth regardless of anyone’s convincing argument of their special situation. So, I ask, how can we know what we are supposed to stand for if we don’t know what our ultimate goal is? I promise you that your goal is to not hinder creation regardless of any physical, emotional, or psychological struggles, and I also promise that a human life is the most incredible creation there is and we are endowed with the sacred abilities to bring it about when the two appropriate types come together. One can stand and argue their situation as long as they want but when you know what an eternal truth is there is no compromising you’re opinion because it is not an opinion, it is an absolute. That is why people and prophets have been murdered, beaten, mocked, spit on, and hated throughout history and throughout the scriptures which are a history of God’s dealings with man, because they won’t deny what they know is true, and not only won’t deny it but will profess it to the world. We are children of God and we can become like Him and create our own spirit children and that is true. Now, do you expect people that know that to be true to denounce that by preaching ways of living that will not lead us to that point? We can in no way be blessed with Eternal Salvation if we support a damning lifestyle. It is contrary to the very laws of God Himself. We can struggle with things just as people struggle with anything but we mustn’t let those struggles determine what it is that we ultimately stand for. If you are member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints you must certainly believe President Monson is a prophet of God and that the Quorum of the Twelve are seers and revelators as well, and if you don’t than don’t raise your hand and sustain them as such. They speak the truth no matter what. They speak what is true regardless of the world’s views and standpoints and they will die and be beaten, and be spit upon for those truths, but I say they don’t face those issues today, they face public criticism from the very members which sustain them as Prophets. But I testify that there is no way one of these men will apologize for a truth, they will utterly apologize for their own weaknesses in the flesh but for a truth they will not, because it is truth that sets us apart from the world and we will not compromise or exploit truth for selfish purposes in any manner. Truth is truth and it can’t be changed no matter how many people protest and picket and gather outside sanctified buildings. Calamity in the world is starting to boil and definite sides are being drawn, this is the time where we must get off the fence and either support what is true or not. Support truth or be caught up in the tides of worldly views and criticism. There is only one way that will lead to peace and goodness, and that is the way God has been trying to get his children to understand for eternity. There is no life in supporting death. Do what is right and let the consequence follow. That is it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Time for Business
It’s time to get down to business and start my life. I feel like a little child learning how to do everything over again because I feel like my life has just started. It’s almost like I don’t even remember a huge portion of my early existence in this world. So, I might feel a slight handicap because it seems like everyone else has already had years of experience. All I know is that I am where I am now and I’ve got to be as proactive as I possibly can in order to catch up. I’ve taken my epic journey and though I’m not sure I found out what it is that I am looking for it was definitely well needed and a good way to start off my new life. It’s like a breath of fresh air after you’ve been in a dark room under the earth for six months. I say so often that I only wish I was better at things but that time of wishing is over and the time of bringing to fruition those dreams is at hand. Though I am about twenty four years late I’ve got the rest of my life ahead of me to accomplish anything I desire, and I’ve a better idea now than ever before what it is that I do desire. I know what I believe is true and I believe in the principles of goodness. The principles of goodness works regardless of weaknesses and I know I can become who it is I’ve dreamt I will be with those principles. I only thank God for my family and friends who have looked at me and said to themselves, “Wow, Jake is kind of crazy and weird but I think he’s a good guy, I’ll help him out and give him a chance.” So I try my best to be friends with other crazy, weird people, because I relate to them.
I desire several things in my life, one is I desire to be educated, to know the world I live in and to know the hearts of the people I associate with. Another is a solid career in which I can make a decent living whilst being completely self sufficient. But I say the thing that I desire the very most is something I had when I was a little child, a goodness that you mostly only see in children. I lost that somewhere a long time ago and those others things that I’ve said I desire became useless to me because I didn’t have the very most important thing there is. I became cold and depressed and totally miserable with living and so I lost everything important to me there was, the church, best friends and family, a general health and well being and almost my life, but most damningly I lost simply a desire for anything good or a desire to do anything for that matter. How can you recover from this type of hell? It was a hell for me and I wanted to die. But I love life now, I love this world as well, and though I’ve struggled with being absolutely negative in general toward other people, I love people. People are what make other people happy, not things. So when I say I feel like a little child I am totally alright with it because it’s what makes me feel alright inside. I was looking for a miracle and I got one, I got a ton. And I’ll be outright expressive about this when I say I am a selfish person because I still need more miracles to help me out through my upcoming journeys. The only thing different now is I know how miracles work and I know how they come about which gives me an absolute confidence in the future. I am grateful and I am true in my heart. My goal is to be more on the outside the things that I write which come from inside. Basically act more like how I write, and if I can do this I’ll always be alright no matter what.
I desire several things in my life, one is I desire to be educated, to know the world I live in and to know the hearts of the people I associate with. Another is a solid career in which I can make a decent living whilst being completely self sufficient. But I say the thing that I desire the very most is something I had when I was a little child, a goodness that you mostly only see in children. I lost that somewhere a long time ago and those others things that I’ve said I desire became useless to me because I didn’t have the very most important thing there is. I became cold and depressed and totally miserable with living and so I lost everything important to me there was, the church, best friends and family, a general health and well being and almost my life, but most damningly I lost simply a desire for anything good or a desire to do anything for that matter. How can you recover from this type of hell? It was a hell for me and I wanted to die. But I love life now, I love this world as well, and though I’ve struggled with being absolutely negative in general toward other people, I love people. People are what make other people happy, not things. So when I say I feel like a little child I am totally alright with it because it’s what makes me feel alright inside. I was looking for a miracle and I got one, I got a ton. And I’ll be outright expressive about this when I say I am a selfish person because I still need more miracles to help me out through my upcoming journeys. The only thing different now is I know how miracles work and I know how they come about which gives me an absolute confidence in the future. I am grateful and I am true in my heart. My goal is to be more on the outside the things that I write which come from inside. Basically act more like how I write, and if I can do this I’ll always be alright no matter what.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Penrose Steps of the Gospel
How do you see invisible text? hmm.
We never get our moments back. I suppose this means that we need to always be extremely careful about how we spend our time. We need to watch out for how we talk to people and treat others. Though every moment is important, I don’t mean specifically in general everyday situations, but rather we need to be careful in those moments that utterly change lives. Like I said, we never get another chance to handle those times. It is all just one moment after the other and before you know it it’s ten years later and you still find your self repeating words in the wee hours of the night that were said once upon a time in a life away. Words that so easily bring up memories that you’ve been told to forget about, but I say forget about what? I think we need to remember because people forget too easily. There will come a time when we all remember everything, when we recall all of our own mistakes clearly and not only that, but we’ll get to witness the unseen consequences of them in the night and we’ll see the secrets that enshroud through this world. I only wonder how this will change our lives at this time of reckoning. What will happen? What will change ultimately? Will we forgive? Will we forget when there is an actual, absolute truth to forget as opposed to trying to forgive and forget within the very shadows of darkness itself? How can there be true forgiveness when there is no light to be shed upon the matter. And how can there be a true rectification when the very consequences of an action utterly impede the acts necessary to complete the process? I’ve concluded that there is only one way a situation like this can come to any alright conclusion and that requires a completely divine witness to balance out the weight of the circumstances and make such an act truthful. One thing more I’ve concluded is that I truly am grateful for the intelligence of God to be able to place his children in these times of incredible decision making. these times of incredible feeling and consequence. These times are about us and yet they are about others at the same time. My Mission President once told me that yes, we serve a mission to bring others to Christ but ultimately our missions are about us, they are there to make us better in all things, to build our own character and to strengthen our own selves through strengthening others. Like I’ve talked about before, the gospel is a seemingly contradictory statement in and of its self, it’s a paradox, a paradox with an x-factor that makes it possible with the key stone of love. I don’t mean to bring a negative connotation to the gospel by saying it is a paradox. I simply use that word to describe an infinite loop that is what makes everything possible. Christ used examples and parables to even say what I am trying to reiterate, the least shall be greatest, “He that is ordained of God and sent forth, the same is appointed to be the greatest, notwithstanding he is the least and the servant of all.” How can you be the greatest yet be the least at the same time? Well, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication... Being the least is what gives you power and it is that infinite line one must walk, or in other words it is those Penrose Steps one must travel in order to be the greatest, and it is only accomplished with a true love that is the key to connecting the loop, the Steps, yet also continue progressing forward and upward. Without love we will continue to veer in an endless monotonous circle of nothingness, being neither the greatest or the least. A paradox, an infinite love, truth, all of these things are what bring about the seemingly impossible to fruition and into reality. Nothing is impossible, it’s just a matter of realizing what everything is. Also, it’s a matter of knowing what you truly want to make a reality, the key word there is ‘truly’, and coming to that knowledge not only is a learning experience but it helps us see what it is that we really do want and what we really do want to make possible. There are things we want in single moments, then there are things of the soul that we yearn for and those are the things that are possible no matter what they be. The key is love and the reason being is everything wants to be loved, I mean literally, everything.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Smell of Books
Well, here I am sitting upon my bed getting ready to read a new book I just bought. Yep, that’s right, I bought a book. The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, Mormon Scientist. I was sitting upon my bed less than an hour ago pondering upon life and trying to figure out where I need to go and what I need to do when I had the sudden urge to walk through a book store. Not many know this and it is slightly strange I know because I am not much of a reader but I absolutely love walking around book stores more than any other stores there are. I think it is the atmosphere that is absolutely appealing, they are always so quiet and orderly, not to mention they have a distinct smell which I secretly love..weird. So, I often walk up and down the rows of books picking out a few and maybe reading a page or two than moving on to the next one that catches my eye. But this time I actually bought one, one I truly intend to read all the way through this time. I think I secretly have a deep seeded desire to read all sorts of books because I am attracted to them in every way I can think of. I think it is this person inside of me that I am yearning to be but am too blinded by the dubious rigmarole of life. I struggle with so many aspects of this world I live in. I love this world but I just can’t get it right. I don’t know how to live in it properly and make it work for me. I would like to think that my inner sincerity, regardless of my slow, improperly functioning body will eventually pay off one of these days. When everything just falls into place and is just right and I can continue unhindered to progress along this highway of life. I think now is a good time to admit that I truly do have a slight handicap. I’ve been trying to get people for years to believe that I have a mild speech impediment but alas I am also slightly slower than the regular folk. I think it has to do with years of not sleeping properly. All I know is most of the time I just want to put my head down and have someone pull my hair. It works great for headaches; just trust me on this one. I am what I am though and I truly would never want to be anyone else even though I wish I were better at certain things that I am not very good at. Well, my dear readers, thank you for your silent support and goodness. Any time I write it just feels good inside because I know that regardless of my exterior demons, I can write about goodness, and I truly hope I have touched someone by the things that I’ve written.
I, like everyone else just want to be happy. That’s all.
I, like everyone else just want to be happy. That’s all.
Who I Am
Who I Am
As I watch the sun dip down below
The horizon when it leaves my sky
I wonder if it waves hello
To another who sees it like I.
The stars I am so truly fond
Of the way they twinkle silently,
I wish sometimes I could respond
And I hope sometimes they gaze at me.
I, like the lake am full of weeds,
But I hope I reflect an image clear
To any who look into me
Of who they want to be so near.
And O, the moon in its glory,
It loves to sooth the weary stressed,
And write to them a true story
Filled with peace and needed rest.
O, now I see, O, now I know
Why the stars twinkle and shine,
And why the sun dips down below
The profoundly drawn horizon line.
And why the lake reflects so true
And why the moon aids from afar
I know why those things now they do
Because that is who each one they are.
If only I had something grand,
Something special that made up me,
Maybe then I’d see who I am,
And who I could so truly be.
-Jacob Winterfeldt
As I watch the sun dip down below
The horizon when it leaves my sky
I wonder if it waves hello
To another who sees it like I.
The stars I am so truly fond
Of the way they twinkle silently,
I wish sometimes I could respond
And I hope sometimes they gaze at me.
I, like the lake am full of weeds,
But I hope I reflect an image clear
To any who look into me
Of who they want to be so near.
And O, the moon in its glory,
It loves to sooth the weary stressed,
And write to them a true story
Filled with peace and needed rest.
O, now I see, O, now I know
Why the stars twinkle and shine,
And why the sun dips down below
The profoundly drawn horizon line.
And why the lake reflects so true
And why the moon aids from afar
I know why those things now they do
Because that is who each one they are.
If only I had something grand,
Something special that made up me,
Maybe then I’d see who I am,
And who I could so truly be.
-Jacob Winterfeldt
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Letter to the Universe
You know, I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. That comforted this burden somewhat and an awkward smile crossed my lips as I sighed slightly from the somewhat ridiculous task I’ve been assigned to manage. It seems that the sheer mass of the outcome from what would shortly come to pass based off of my unlearned decisions didn’t press upon me with its full weight because of that very reason. Either everything would still be, or it wouldn’t, and none would be a critic nor could be of my attempt to save everything that is. Also, I figured that if there is any reasoning to this whole fate slash destiny thing then if I truly tried my best, which I absolutely intended to do anyway, then the very fabric of space itself would lend its infinite helping hand so that I would ultimately end up saving the universe from utter annihilation. But if destiny is no such thing then I figured I’ve got about a fifty fifty chance of making sure all of humanity and any other bits or forms of life throughout our universe would be able to wake up tomorrow morning as if nothing ever occurred. No one would ever know either way I thought. How could they? I was slightly un-intimidated by this calling of mine until my mind caught hold upon a somewhat disturbing thought. What really will happen if I fail? Everything is gone, right? Well, what if there is an afterlife that exists on a finer plain than what we can see here. I didn’t much like the thought of being eternally blamed by the intelligences of countless souls for letting all of their physical, eternal elemental existence be destroyed within a blink of an eye. But hey, if there is life after death then there has to be some sort of an infinite God utilizing an all intelligible form of knowing and perfect controlling of all substance in any fashion, so my soon to be endeavors have to ultimately end up saving the universe…there is no other option. It must be my divine duty to perform this task. It must be my destiny, right? So why should I even worry if that is the case. Well, up until now, you know I’ve never thought much about God, but with the weight of the universe resting squarely upon my shoulders I couldn’t help but think that if I messed up what the big deal would be? Everything would be over and there would be no more anything, so how could I ultimately be to blame if space just zipped out of existence. Uhh…Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to know it without blatantly thinking and acting like it will happen, and even being afraid slightly that I might mess up. That’s how this whole thing works I just realized. Like a light or something flicked on in my mind. I can’t be arrogant about it yet I have to know it. I can’t just stroll into this endeavor half heartedly because I believe the universe will be fine even though I know it will. I have to persuade the very makeup of everything with my true sincerity, my sincere desire that the universe won’t just zip out of existence from my own mistakes. This just put a little bit more pressure upon my mind and my heart. It’s almost like this is a very unique paradox, one that I can’t quite explain but rather feel, a paradox that perfectly exists and balances out all of creation. That’s it, I have to love. I have to truly love the people that might not exist tomorrow. It’s love that is the paradox in which all things are and can exist and continue. And there has to be an ultimate love to keep it perfectly balanced which I can only image now must have carried with it an equal amount of un-love, or unrest or suffering, which as of now I truly can’t imagine how that must have been performed or carried out. It must have been incredible. I, at this point don’t understand its completeness but I think I understand the basic concept of it and it curiously has brought with it a burden that I think now that I need. How great will this burden become as I continue on with my coming choices I do not know, but I know that I must now at least solemnly keep on proceeding towards this event of incomprehensible consequence. I don’t know how to explain it any clearer then how I have put it, so it is up to those of you whom I truly hope will be able to read this tomorrow to feel the meanings of my words that I’ve written now by pondering upon this paradox of sincere love. I leave this letter with you now in hopes that it will be read in the coming days. I have a duty to perform now and I’m grateful for my new insight upon my approaching decisions. You know, I’ve never thought much about God… But I think He must love us.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Light at the end of the tunnel
The light at the end of the tunnel
I have something to say concerning this saying. People might often use this as an expression of almost being done with something that is very drudguous. Like when the end of something that was very difficult to do is finally in sight. However, this term is also used quite a bit by people who have had near death experiences, or have actually died and then come back to life, which is where I believe the term derived from. I need to be very careful about how I write the following so just please bear that in mind. The light at the end of the tunnel is seen by many who claim to have had one of these death experiences but I don’t believe there is a tunnel at all or that the light is in the distance by any means, even the near distance. When someone is closing in on one of these experiences the consciousness starts to lose grasp upon our mortal senses and is able to perceive things of the fine spiritual nature more easily. I ask what is the finest, most truest thing in the universe and or any realm, state or being of any universe? It is truth itself which is the very finest light that exists. This is what God is entirely filled with and God is alive not dead by any means. When we go through this state of death a blackness enshrouds and totally envelops us, and our very core existence of who we are yearns for a light to save us, so within the black darkness of the bands of death itself what is there? What is this light at the end of the tunnel that people claim to see? It’s not something outward of them which is in the distance, it is what is them themselves, it is what is within each and every one of us right now, it is the light of truth, it is the light of Christ. When we die our perception changes to what our consciousness itself sees which is not what our mortal eyes see and when we come back to this mortal life we try to interpret what we witnessed and to our level of being and understanding here on earth we interpret the best we can of what our consciousness saw into our worldly ways. When there is death, or darkness that surrounds, if there is one little light it looks to form walls of a tunnel and the light is in the distance but it is not in the distance. We are not seeing a light in the distance, we are seeing ourselves. It is here with us, inside of us right now. It is truth which lies within the very makeup of who we are, and all of the false ideas and wrongs that envelop this world are all the doings of the physical arm of man. The natural, greedy, ungodly, desires of the flesh smother this light within us and cause so much strife and pain and confusion among everything in this life. There is an ultimate truth and it is within us all if we could but see it. There is so much symbolism to our existence here. So incredibly much so that everything testifies of truth and light. We are light, this is why we are told to let our light so shine. Even our physical bodies are made up of the stars from the heavens and so is our soul made up of the light of truth and knowledge. The parallels are infinite because there are no bounds to Universe. So, rather then there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we should know that there is a light within us which is who we are and if we understand who we are we can more easily understand the right and wrongs of what the world will have you believe and I cry for those in the dark who don’t understand this eternal truth. The light within us is bright, I testify of that and it shines in the dark. It shines forth towards those searching wrongly for the light at the end of the tunnel. They are looking for something outward when it is inward they need to look. It is there, it is what we are, it is intelligence in its truest form of being. And we are intelligence of a very high order and degree. Truth is truth and light is light, and I testify that what I have said is true. It is.
I have something to say concerning this saying. People might often use this as an expression of almost being done with something that is very drudguous. Like when the end of something that was very difficult to do is finally in sight. However, this term is also used quite a bit by people who have had near death experiences, or have actually died and then come back to life, which is where I believe the term derived from. I need to be very careful about how I write the following so just please bear that in mind. The light at the end of the tunnel is seen by many who claim to have had one of these death experiences but I don’t believe there is a tunnel at all or that the light is in the distance by any means, even the near distance. When someone is closing in on one of these experiences the consciousness starts to lose grasp upon our mortal senses and is able to perceive things of the fine spiritual nature more easily. I ask what is the finest, most truest thing in the universe and or any realm, state or being of any universe? It is truth itself which is the very finest light that exists. This is what God is entirely filled with and God is alive not dead by any means. When we go through this state of death a blackness enshrouds and totally envelops us, and our very core existence of who we are yearns for a light to save us, so within the black darkness of the bands of death itself what is there? What is this light at the end of the tunnel that people claim to see? It’s not something outward of them which is in the distance, it is what is them themselves, it is what is within each and every one of us right now, it is the light of truth, it is the light of Christ. When we die our perception changes to what our consciousness itself sees which is not what our mortal eyes see and when we come back to this mortal life we try to interpret what we witnessed and to our level of being and understanding here on earth we interpret the best we can of what our consciousness saw into our worldly ways. When there is death, or darkness that surrounds, if there is one little light it looks to form walls of a tunnel and the light is in the distance but it is not in the distance. We are not seeing a light in the distance, we are seeing ourselves. It is here with us, inside of us right now. It is truth which lies within the very makeup of who we are, and all of the false ideas and wrongs that envelop this world are all the doings of the physical arm of man. The natural, greedy, ungodly, desires of the flesh smother this light within us and cause so much strife and pain and confusion among everything in this life. There is an ultimate truth and it is within us all if we could but see it. There is so much symbolism to our existence here. So incredibly much so that everything testifies of truth and light. We are light, this is why we are told to let our light so shine. Even our physical bodies are made up of the stars from the heavens and so is our soul made up of the light of truth and knowledge. The parallels are infinite because there are no bounds to Universe. So, rather then there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we should know that there is a light within us which is who we are and if we understand who we are we can more easily understand the right and wrongs of what the world will have you believe and I cry for those in the dark who don’t understand this eternal truth. The light within us is bright, I testify of that and it shines in the dark. It shines forth towards those searching wrongly for the light at the end of the tunnel. They are looking for something outward when it is inward they need to look. It is there, it is what we are, it is intelligence in its truest form of being. And we are intelligence of a very high order and degree. Truth is truth and light is light, and I testify that what I have said is true. It is.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Time for Understanding 2
I often find myself in a dimly lit room somewhere in the United States pacing back and forth speaking into the omnipresentual night air(and making up words to describe what I mean) letting it absorb my ever growing knowledge on that topic which is so incredibly fascinating to me. My mind races as electrical energy speeds through the almost never ending corridors of thought searching for and sifting out the falsities that are so prevalent in our modern society which are so entirely responsible for so many terrible conflicts in any degree of being across the world. I say, I do say that science’s confliction with religion, and religion’s debacle with science is, in the world an ugly and ultimately irresolvable war. People who exercise an unwavering faith in their religion are almost mocked by certain branches of science, such as those considered Evolutionists who dedicate their lives to the research of linking humanity with primate species and de-evolving us back to the primordial ooze from where the first single celled organisms found a way to reproduce themselves, while religion in general, in my opinion, often pound sticks into the ground and drape blankets over their heads and pretend that what scientists have proven to be true are not a reality because it stands in utter opposition to their church’s core belief. Who is right in this case? The further along in time we progress the more understanding of our world and universe is uncovered by science, but religion, like I said before, in general, is falling apart at the seams because of this scientific progression. Faith in nearly any organized religion might seem almost foolish for those people drifting around in this ever changing world while science in itself becomes a religion to those who study the various branches of it. This war of faith versus raw evidence is a brutal one, not only for those caught in the middle but the reason being is this, the more one side wins, the more it actually loses. If you could follow me on this it makes perfect sense, simply understand it. Let your heart feel the truth in this matter as opposed to the raw facts. This is when we can understand, this is when the mind becomes sanctified by truth and knowledge, and this is when science and religion work in perfect harmony with each other as opposed to tearing at each other’s very skin. I ask the very question, who is God anyway, other than the ultimate scientist. In the words of Stephen Hawking when referring to the expansion and evolution of humanity throughout the cosmos, “Masters of the Universe.”
The thing that science doesn’t understand yet, is that it itself is continually searching for ways to be like God. Ways to understand and use the laws of the universe for our own benefit and progression, while on the other hand, the thing that, for the most part, religion doesn’t understand yet is that God isn’t a supernatural, unknowable being that no one can ever understand or comprehend. When it all comes down to it, it is simply a matter of understanding, and that is going to be the key for humanity if it ever wants to marry the two seemingly opposing views into the perfect Oneness that sets the essence of a being onto the path of Godhood. I don’t believe though that in our lives humanity will realize this fact, but it will be realized for those who are willing to be enlightened by the truths that are profoundly established within both the scientific realms and religious circles. God walks the razors edge of science and thusly is God. Science doesn’t even know who it looks up to and religion doesn’t know where their basis for belief even lies. Combine the two, than ponder on it and one’s mind is opened to see things that once slept in the dark while it dreamed of being realized and brought to its undeniable light. The truth is out there, it really is, just find it.
The thing that science doesn’t understand yet, is that it itself is continually searching for ways to be like God. Ways to understand and use the laws of the universe for our own benefit and progression, while on the other hand, the thing that, for the most part, religion doesn’t understand yet is that God isn’t a supernatural, unknowable being that no one can ever understand or comprehend. When it all comes down to it, it is simply a matter of understanding, and that is going to be the key for humanity if it ever wants to marry the two seemingly opposing views into the perfect Oneness that sets the essence of a being onto the path of Godhood. I don’t believe though that in our lives humanity will realize this fact, but it will be realized for those who are willing to be enlightened by the truths that are profoundly established within both the scientific realms and religious circles. God walks the razors edge of science and thusly is God. Science doesn’t even know who it looks up to and religion doesn’t know where their basis for belief even lies. Combine the two, than ponder on it and one’s mind is opened to see things that once slept in the dark while it dreamed of being realized and brought to its undeniable light. The truth is out there, it really is, just find it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Time for Understanding
We, as human beings need to be a bit more understanding. What I mean is that we need to overcome our own prejudices, and we need to understand when we have them. The reason the work is so greatly hindered is because of blocks in people’s minds. I don’t completely refer to “the work,” as spreading the gospel, although it is a big portion of it, but rather, on a different scale I refer to the work of the human mind in conjunction with the world and the universe. There is so much power out there in the world and in our own minds. This life is filled with things that we simply can’t see yet and are all around us, surrounding like an ocean. World governments and those who sway political powers are constantly playing a giant game of chess when we are the tiles of different colors they play on. The power of secrets and invisible persuasions, despicable strategies that leave the tiles in darkness and sickness, motivations that are sourced from corrupted views, so many of these things are real and on such an epic scale and the influence of them on our own lives might not be seen with the eye but I testify that just the very thoughts of those people who operate and run the world are impacting our very cores, so detrimentally engraining itself into who we are and who we think we are choosing to be. The pull of this invisible power is tremendous. The negative aspects of it, the energy of it flow over the world like a darkness, a sickness that is not felt for many until one is at the verge of death itself. Death brings with it an undeniable honesty to those who surround themselves and raise themselves up in this world. Those closing in on that time when the soul departs and the body goes the way of all the world often find themselves realizing hope a little too late because they have utterly entwined their existence into this life and procrastinated what is truly important to them. Important to what a soul really desires and what that is, is in stark contrast to that of what the body wants. The soul wants to live while the body dies. This is what might be considered hell for those in this position of the end of their lives, though it can be realized and felt at any point in life I believe, take a look at Alma the younger and many others. Even people you might know now.
So ultimately, when you hear of people speaking about unseen forces at work, this is what it means. It means that, yes, the physical completions of evil men’s agendas do come about and surface, but I testify that the collected thoughts themselves of a corrupted society sway us just by being thoughts. That the incredible number of those dabbling in these decaying creeds link and twine across the globe covering us like a blanket of darkness. This is why we must stand in holy places and fill ourselves with good thoughts by getting rid of dark or deteriorating influences in our lives and surrounding ourselves with good relations that are true, I know this concept very well from the perspective of both sides, and in the end when we set aside our prejudices we can understand what it is and who those are that are true. We can start to see truth itself in the air as if it were a physical thing. We can even detect those who put on a lambs mask to cover their razor sharp teeth so as to be able to devour its needed, unsuspecting prey. When you start to see truth the shades of darkness become more vivid and undeniably evil. It is time for understanding, the powers at work all around us constantly impact how we live and perceive our lives. I have given quite a bit of thought to this and I have concluded that it is absolutely frightening how influenced we can be. We humans so slowly change that by the time we have realized what we have become we don’t even see anymore what we used to have. This is why we MUST grasp onto that little bit of truth that we CAN see and never let go of it. Hold onto it like it’s what gives us life. Like it is what heals us, like it is what brightens our way in this dark world. Make friends that are holding onto that light as well, find them and search them out and combine the truths that you have together to make an even brighter light. It is time for understanding, it is time for truth and knowledge to be sparked in the mind of those who would think, those who might use what is already prevalent in our bodies, the ability to know goodness from darkness, the ability to ascend beyond the realms of fear, and anger, and jealousy, and prejudice, and be able to use this body for good regardless of physical ability. This is for those who would not simply choose the darkness just to be different from those they might dislike at the time but rather, choose the right, choose the right to be different from those who would. It is time that we see these things, it is time for truth to be established and ubiquitous, and I do say it is time for understanding.
So ultimately, when you hear of people speaking about unseen forces at work, this is what it means. It means that, yes, the physical completions of evil men’s agendas do come about and surface, but I testify that the collected thoughts themselves of a corrupted society sway us just by being thoughts. That the incredible number of those dabbling in these decaying creeds link and twine across the globe covering us like a blanket of darkness. This is why we must stand in holy places and fill ourselves with good thoughts by getting rid of dark or deteriorating influences in our lives and surrounding ourselves with good relations that are true, I know this concept very well from the perspective of both sides, and in the end when we set aside our prejudices we can understand what it is and who those are that are true. We can start to see truth itself in the air as if it were a physical thing. We can even detect those who put on a lambs mask to cover their razor sharp teeth so as to be able to devour its needed, unsuspecting prey. When you start to see truth the shades of darkness become more vivid and undeniably evil. It is time for understanding, the powers at work all around us constantly impact how we live and perceive our lives. I have given quite a bit of thought to this and I have concluded that it is absolutely frightening how influenced we can be. We humans so slowly change that by the time we have realized what we have become we don’t even see anymore what we used to have. This is why we MUST grasp onto that little bit of truth that we CAN see and never let go of it. Hold onto it like it’s what gives us life. Like it is what heals us, like it is what brightens our way in this dark world. Make friends that are holding onto that light as well, find them and search them out and combine the truths that you have together to make an even brighter light. It is time for understanding, it is time for truth and knowledge to be sparked in the mind of those who would think, those who might use what is already prevalent in our bodies, the ability to know goodness from darkness, the ability to ascend beyond the realms of fear, and anger, and jealousy, and prejudice, and be able to use this body for good regardless of physical ability. This is for those who would not simply choose the darkness just to be different from those they might dislike at the time but rather, choose the right, choose the right to be different from those who would. It is time that we see these things, it is time for truth to be established and ubiquitous, and I do say it is time for understanding.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Journey Scroll
I ponder on a part of me that is just sitting still, not really progressing and losing vitality. This part of me which is very dear to me but difficult at the same time, I refer to my book, The Journey Scroll. I truly don’t know whether it has publishing potential but I do know that the story is incredibly valuable to me. The core of which it is comes from my very dreams and upon further ponderence on the main character came like a perfectly flowing river the rest of the underlying storyline. A symbolic fiction I have classified it, as it’s a portion of very early Earth history pertaining to wars and religious calamity at the time. I try to depict the secret combinations of governments and those true in heart who are caught up in the turbulence of discerning good and evil with the presence of a fictionalized true gospel symbolizing the true church at the time. The Journey Scroll it is titled. Thank you everyone and goodbye for now.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
That is the question
I wish I could run a wire from my brain to my computer so I could type out my dreams as I was having them. This idea only came because I am currently belly down on my bed with my feet hanging off of the side while my head is wrenched in what some might consider a very uncomfortable looking position so I can type with somewhat of a correct angled view of the screen. I was trying to find the ever dimming inspiration to write of something interesting when I simply laid my head down at the foot of my bed near my laptop when I started to dream. I promptly lifted my head to type it out but the dream was gone. It simply vanished from my thoughts when my eyes opened. Not vanished from my head, for, everything that comes from me originated in my head first, and whether these imaginings be turned to action or simply continue on forever as pure goings-on of thought my head is where these things shall reside and my body will be the physical conduit of the inevitable law of consequence. One would think that a soul could master this body of ours more easily than how we do. The concept is very simple. Get this body, make it work, and do good. Not only do good but do incredible things. I am perplexed at my own mental blocks. I know I have incredible potential to do nearly anything I truly desire to do. The same can be said for everyone, but what is it that is stopping me from doing these incredible things with my life? I believe that the majority of people simply don’t realize or understand how great their potential actually is, so, subsequently many don’t ever attain the greatest blessing they could. Though I know there is so much that I don’t know or understand, I on the other hand do know far too well that I am blest and have immense capabilities but yet I still squander and dabble with trivialities and frivolous matters that wholly surround every day. I suffer from not, not understanding my potential, but rather a fear of what I could accomplish, which I think is even a greater tragedy than not ever knowing in the first place. I have thought about this and I think I am naturally afraid of the responsibilities that might come from reaching my potential. I am faced with a difficult situation. I yearn to be free and explode in to that person whom my soul is desiring my body to be. But I sigh and think it is too difficult so I continue on knowingly living under my potential. But yet again I see that I am trying to justify and excuse myself in being lazy which is completely wrong. I know what is right and wrong and I see the very core reasons of why I choose to be so lackadaisical in my endeavors. It doesn’t come down to knowledge for me, it comes down to desire to act on that knowledge. I know the church is true, and I love the church with all of my heart but even yet still sometimes I find myself in the mornings lacking character and thinking to myself, it’s alright if I sleep in today and miss a good portion of church, or it all together. I justify the idea that I am too tired and I simply, in those moments lack desire to do what I know to be true. I find myself asking the very question Nephi asked, “Why should I?” Why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Why should I give way to temptation that the evil one have place to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? This question follows me around everywhere I go but sadly I still do yield to sin because of my flesh, and then in the midnight hour I sigh and forever ponder on my current status with my friends, my family, even my enemies, and lastly my God. I am not faced with a difficult decision, the decision is clear of who I desire to be, but I am faced with difficult moments in time that I should be able to see as exactly what they are, just moments in our earthly time, and what will my life time here on earth leave for everyone else when my time here is over? That is the question I ponder and pray on, that is the question.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I am Free
“Hello, my name is Stephen Hawking, physicist, cosmologist, and something of a dreamer. Although I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer, in my mind I am free.”
-Stephen Hawking
I love this man. What an incredible person to have established such a character despite his lack of physical ability. Yet, I have to wonder if he would have been so esteemed if he had never suffered from ALS disease, or if he would have even ever attained the level of genius he is at now. At age 21 Stephan first started showing symptoms and I cannot fathom how horrendous this trial must have been for him. All I have to say is I love the man and I know he loves doing what he does best, understanding the universe. Something I aspire to…I suppose I have to go to school or something like that first… Whelp, we’ll see.
-Stephen Hawking
I love this man. What an incredible person to have established such a character despite his lack of physical ability. Yet, I have to wonder if he would have been so esteemed if he had never suffered from ALS disease, or if he would have even ever attained the level of genius he is at now. At age 21 Stephan first started showing symptoms and I cannot fathom how horrendous this trial must have been for him. All I have to say is I love the man and I know he loves doing what he does best, understanding the universe. Something I aspire to…I suppose I have to go to school or something like that first… Whelp, we’ll see.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
When no one is there...
Well, here we go…Whelp, I’m bored with that idea… Next!
Have you, my dear reader, ever thought about what a thing does when no one is watching? I have kind of been hired as a keeper of the ol’ Winterfeldt house for a few weeks while my dad is out of town, (SC I might add,) and a thing happened that got me to thinking on this topic. Now, I’ve always been fascinated by this… I don’t think there is any word or term for it but I love thinking about what happens to things or places when no one is watching, when rooms are left empty, when objects just sit all alone with no witnesses to their existence. Now, this is the question, are they there when no one else is there to see them? Of course they are… but what do they do? It’s like that one old saying, when a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? Of course it does, right? But there is no way to prove it. We have to act on faith that the laws of physics act the same way when people are or aren’t watching, regardless of either. To an extent I believe this must be true, however I also believe that things most definitely act differently when no one is watching. Do you do the same things when you are alone as opposed to being around other people? Some things, yes, but everyone behaves differently when they are alone even if it be just the slightest things so why should this be any different with empty rooms or solitary objects? Well, here is a story for you to think on,
I drive up to the outside of the house with camera ‘round neck and admire the newly constructed eight feet we added onto the old, tiny house of the woods. I put my, on loan, Expedition in park, turn off the engine, get out and walk the premise of the area. Everything looks to be in order, so far. Well, I continued into the house that I had cleaned and locked down the previous night. I then headed down the long, creaky, dark, sloped corridor that is sixty year old basement steps and what do I see at the bottom? Well, what else would I see? A lamp that I specifically remembered turning off the night before because it was one of those funny lamps that you touch the sides of to turn on and off and increase or decrease the brightness of it, standing upright on the floor next to the dresser it was supposed to be sitting on while brightly shinning at its highest light capacity! Hmm… Well how in the world would that have happened, I thought to myself. Then, like a child excited to dive into a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream my mind turned to the ghost that haunts that basement! Yes, it’s true, there have been vivid stories told from many o’ family members that have stayed in those rooms down there. No one is sure who it is that haunts that place but one of my favorite ideas comes from my dad who said once he thought it might be the dog… Wow, that’s right a dog ghost, but I have my doubts now because I don’t believe a live dog could reach up and set a lamp on the floor upright let alone a ghost one. I think it might be my Great Grandpops but I don’t know. So, I turned the lamp off and set it back on the dresser and am promptly going to check it in the morning.
This might be a ghost story but the whole original thought of this entry isn’t specifically referring to the otherworldly. I am simply asking the question, How do we know the grass is green when we blink?
In Amy and Bruce’s house in New London there is a monitor screen that shows three different security camera views from around their house, and this might be really creepy or strange of me, but often when I’m there I find myself just starring at the screens at night when nothing is supposed to be happening. I don’t know if I am waiting for something strange to happen because no one is technically watching… Or if I just, for some reason enjoy observing the still of the night that is three in the morning. I can’t explain how intriguing this little, dumb thing is to me. I mean, right now, what is happening in the empty room next to me, or the house in the woods? Things are just being. Existing with no witnesses, are they really there or does the world, like the Truman Show only fill in the blanks when you walk by or look at something. Where is that lamp now and why is it where it is at?
When it comes down to it though I can’t say there are no witnesses in unoccupied space because there is no space, and there is no place with no witnesses. Don’t mind me while I drastically change the topic one hundred and eighty degrees, but the trees witness, the walls witness, the rocks and the dirt witness. Everything that is, is a witness to goodness or wickedness. This is a true belief that I wish more people understood. Everything is a recorder of truth. If we elaborate our thoughts on this concept, everything in the gospel that people don’t understand becomes much more understandable and realistic. I’ve talked about what is, “Real” before and I must say that that is something determined in the mind of the person who thinks upon it. Everyone is here on Earth, but everyone is living in a different world. Think for example about how you see the world around you, now if you could pull yourself away from yourself and try to conceive the idea of how Pre. Monson sees it, or even just another close friend or family member, same Earth, but completely different worlds for everyone occupying it.
Have you, my dear reader, ever thought about what a thing does when no one is watching? I have kind of been hired as a keeper of the ol’ Winterfeldt house for a few weeks while my dad is out of town, (SC I might add,) and a thing happened that got me to thinking on this topic. Now, I’ve always been fascinated by this… I don’t think there is any word or term for it but I love thinking about what happens to things or places when no one is watching, when rooms are left empty, when objects just sit all alone with no witnesses to their existence. Now, this is the question, are they there when no one else is there to see them? Of course they are… but what do they do? It’s like that one old saying, when a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? Of course it does, right? But there is no way to prove it. We have to act on faith that the laws of physics act the same way when people are or aren’t watching, regardless of either. To an extent I believe this must be true, however I also believe that things most definitely act differently when no one is watching. Do you do the same things when you are alone as opposed to being around other people? Some things, yes, but everyone behaves differently when they are alone even if it be just the slightest things so why should this be any different with empty rooms or solitary objects? Well, here is a story for you to think on,
I drive up to the outside of the house with camera ‘round neck and admire the newly constructed eight feet we added onto the old, tiny house of the woods. I put my, on loan, Expedition in park, turn off the engine, get out and walk the premise of the area. Everything looks to be in order, so far. Well, I continued into the house that I had cleaned and locked down the previous night. I then headed down the long, creaky, dark, sloped corridor that is sixty year old basement steps and what do I see at the bottom? Well, what else would I see? A lamp that I specifically remembered turning off the night before because it was one of those funny lamps that you touch the sides of to turn on and off and increase or decrease the brightness of it, standing upright on the floor next to the dresser it was supposed to be sitting on while brightly shinning at its highest light capacity! Hmm… Well how in the world would that have happened, I thought to myself. Then, like a child excited to dive into a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream my mind turned to the ghost that haunts that basement! Yes, it’s true, there have been vivid stories told from many o’ family members that have stayed in those rooms down there. No one is sure who it is that haunts that place but one of my favorite ideas comes from my dad who said once he thought it might be the dog… Wow, that’s right a dog ghost, but I have my doubts now because I don’t believe a live dog could reach up and set a lamp on the floor upright let alone a ghost one. I think it might be my Great Grandpops but I don’t know. So, I turned the lamp off and set it back on the dresser and am promptly going to check it in the morning.
This might be a ghost story but the whole original thought of this entry isn’t specifically referring to the otherworldly. I am simply asking the question, How do we know the grass is green when we blink?
In Amy and Bruce’s house in New London there is a monitor screen that shows three different security camera views from around their house, and this might be really creepy or strange of me, but often when I’m there I find myself just starring at the screens at night when nothing is supposed to be happening. I don’t know if I am waiting for something strange to happen because no one is technically watching… Or if I just, for some reason enjoy observing the still of the night that is three in the morning. I can’t explain how intriguing this little, dumb thing is to me. I mean, right now, what is happening in the empty room next to me, or the house in the woods? Things are just being. Existing with no witnesses, are they really there or does the world, like the Truman Show only fill in the blanks when you walk by or look at something. Where is that lamp now and why is it where it is at?
When it comes down to it though I can’t say there are no witnesses in unoccupied space because there is no space, and there is no place with no witnesses. Don’t mind me while I drastically change the topic one hundred and eighty degrees, but the trees witness, the walls witness, the rocks and the dirt witness. Everything that is, is a witness to goodness or wickedness. This is a true belief that I wish more people understood. Everything is a recorder of truth. If we elaborate our thoughts on this concept, everything in the gospel that people don’t understand becomes much more understandable and realistic. I’ve talked about what is, “Real” before and I must say that that is something determined in the mind of the person who thinks upon it. Everyone is here on Earth, but everyone is living in a different world. Think for example about how you see the world around you, now if you could pull yourself away from yourself and try to conceive the idea of how Pre. Monson sees it, or even just another close friend or family member, same Earth, but completely different worlds for everyone occupying it.
Nikola Tesla was a genius, a beacon of light living in a literally dark world. He is relatively unrecognized for his remarkable contributions to our modern day life. His biggest thought was that power could be transferred through the air in electrical fields. This picture of him is him lighting a light bulb simply by holding it in his hand. People thought he was tapping into the very powers of God and didn’t accept him for his prowess. He was simply ahead of his time. even by todays standards. People like this were the ones that were burnt at the stake in medieval times. The blessed, and the thinkers and understanderers of how things truly work. Look this man up. He truly is remarkable.
I often feel like we live in a blind world and relate it to how an earthworm navigates. It doesn’t have eyes or ears but it can move through the dirt to nourish its self, to feed its degreed level of existence. We are simply on a higher level, but still blind. When I think about how light work, this life becomes so unbelievable. This is what I mean when I try and describe what reality is because of a lot of the properties of light itself. Did you know that people who spend a lot of time in airplanes age slower than those who don’t? It is because time ticks slower the faster you go. What? It’s true. I don’t know the exact calculations but if you set two clocks to the same time, leave one on the ground and take the other one and fly around the world with it back to the first clock and compare the two, the one on the ground will be ahead of the one that took the plane, because time went slower for the one going faster. Now, what implications does this example have on the way the gospel works and how God himself operates? It is extremely complicated but extremely fascinating and astounding to think on. I’ve talked a lot about this before but I don’t think one can ever talk enough about the topic. There is so much out there and so much more to learn and understand. We live in world where we naturally try to get by with what we have when in reality we can’t fathom what we really do have or use hardly any of what is there for us to use. This is why I feel like I am blind, living in a dark world. If we could only adjust our eyes somehow and see the very fabric of light and time and space who knows how much of the things we think we know are true might be defeated. We try and make everything level when building houses but in the grand scheme of the universe our houses are as crooked as a broken leg. If we could but see, if we could just understand that what we do see isn’t what is there. Only to our understanding it is there and our understanding is what we take into our bodies.
So, now my dear readers, do you want the red or the blue pill? Just know either way, there is no spoon…
K, that was stupid, ha, I almost feel bad for ending it that way but I’m keeping it.
I often feel like we live in a blind world and relate it to how an earthworm navigates. It doesn’t have eyes or ears but it can move through the dirt to nourish its self, to feed its degreed level of existence. We are simply on a higher level, but still blind. When I think about how light work, this life becomes so unbelievable. This is what I mean when I try and describe what reality is because of a lot of the properties of light itself. Did you know that people who spend a lot of time in airplanes age slower than those who don’t? It is because time ticks slower the faster you go. What? It’s true. I don’t know the exact calculations but if you set two clocks to the same time, leave one on the ground and take the other one and fly around the world with it back to the first clock and compare the two, the one on the ground will be ahead of the one that took the plane, because time went slower for the one going faster. Now, what implications does this example have on the way the gospel works and how God himself operates? It is extremely complicated but extremely fascinating and astounding to think on. I’ve talked a lot about this before but I don’t think one can ever talk enough about the topic. There is so much out there and so much more to learn and understand. We live in world where we naturally try to get by with what we have when in reality we can’t fathom what we really do have or use hardly any of what is there for us to use. This is why I feel like I am blind, living in a dark world. If we could only adjust our eyes somehow and see the very fabric of light and time and space who knows how much of the things we think we know are true might be defeated. We try and make everything level when building houses but in the grand scheme of the universe our houses are as crooked as a broken leg. If we could but see, if we could just understand that what we do see isn’t what is there. Only to our understanding it is there and our understanding is what we take into our bodies.
So, now my dear readers, do you want the red or the blue pill? Just know either way, there is no spoon…
K, that was stupid, ha, I almost feel bad for ending it that way but I’m keeping it.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Time to Clear the Air
Well, it’s time to clear the air. Take a few deep breaths and feel the curiously funny sensation that warms over the body. Mmm… Tingly.
Alright, I’ve been recently inspired to care more about how I write. Before I would just rant on in long, unorganized sentences and paragraphs where true meaning was intended but ultimately was overshadowed wholly by ungrammatical, unprofessional, complex and dubious streams of words that mangled together like vines in a jungle that one would hardly be able to get through. I mean by this, that I would just write nonstop without worrying too much about punctuation, capitalization, sentence or paragraph structure or forming, or any other words or ways that describe proper or improper ways to write.
I know, oh, I know I’ve a long way to go in my ever increasing knowledge of proper writing skills. Sometimes I feel like a little kid, well mostly all of the time I feel like a little kid but I don’t think of that as a negative thing. I want to learn and do things the right way but there is a portion of me that says, “Ahh! I can write how I want to write!” Well, don’t get me wrong I totally know that and will write how I may but here is where my confliction of thought sets in. I know there are rules to writing just as everything else but I can’t hardly stand the man that says, “Now, you cannot say ‘Can’t hardly stand’ the way you used it. It’s improper and is a double negative which implies a lowly ignorance.” All I have to say to that is, "That don’t matter much to me." (Sigh…) I suppose it should though...
Well, I do desire to be better in my all around writing skills because it is something that I can do in the wee hours of the morning when sleep is scarce. And I do believe that I can start a sentence with the word, “And,” regardless of what Microsoft Word says.
I love to write so today I will
Try and tune my desired skill,
I’m slow in the proper technique
But strong things once were frail and weak.
Writing’s truly great and grand
I know it’s a passionate art
I’ve no learned wit or practiced hand
But I’ve got desire, truth and heart.
With all the skills the world endows
A perfect book is worth not much
If no love the writer allows
Or is able to other hearts touch.
So like a child my clumsy writes
Are written from my would be scars,
Taken from my darkest nights,
Nights that taught me to learn from the stars.
Alright, I’ve been recently inspired to care more about how I write. Before I would just rant on in long, unorganized sentences and paragraphs where true meaning was intended but ultimately was overshadowed wholly by ungrammatical, unprofessional, complex and dubious streams of words that mangled together like vines in a jungle that one would hardly be able to get through. I mean by this, that I would just write nonstop without worrying too much about punctuation, capitalization, sentence or paragraph structure or forming, or any other words or ways that describe proper or improper ways to write.
I know, oh, I know I’ve a long way to go in my ever increasing knowledge of proper writing skills. Sometimes I feel like a little kid, well mostly all of the time I feel like a little kid but I don’t think of that as a negative thing. I want to learn and do things the right way but there is a portion of me that says, “Ahh! I can write how I want to write!” Well, don’t get me wrong I totally know that and will write how I may but here is where my confliction of thought sets in. I know there are rules to writing just as everything else but I can’t hardly stand the man that says, “Now, you cannot say ‘Can’t hardly stand’ the way you used it. It’s improper and is a double negative which implies a lowly ignorance.” All I have to say to that is, "That don’t matter much to me." (Sigh…) I suppose it should though...
Well, I do desire to be better in my all around writing skills because it is something that I can do in the wee hours of the morning when sleep is scarce. And I do believe that I can start a sentence with the word, “And,” regardless of what Microsoft Word says.
I love to write so today I will
Try and tune my desired skill,
I’m slow in the proper technique
But strong things once were frail and weak.
Writing’s truly great and grand
I know it’s a passionate art
I’ve no learned wit or practiced hand
But I’ve got desire, truth and heart.
With all the skills the world endows
A perfect book is worth not much
If no love the writer allows
Or is able to other hearts touch.
So like a child my clumsy writes
Are written from my would be scars,
Taken from my darkest nights,
Nights that taught me to learn from the stars.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The Car of our Life
It is difficult to talk or even write about certain aspects of psychological states not at least for me in this instance because of a physical or emotional discomfort but because of a greater understanding of it. I mean a taking away of yourself from the events that are difficult to speak creating an outward observation of the emotional blocks that plague us in your own mind. If we can take ourselves away from ourselves or see ourselves in our own minds eye this helps us become unbiased by our own selfish desires. This helps us see us in a new light, in the way that perhaps God would see us. Let me use an example to bring this more meaning. Imagine a large road like a highway with many lanes. The beginning of the highway is our birth and the end of it is death and everything in the middle is our life here on earth continuing on through our path. Let’s say for this example there are five lanes but ultimately there can be a trillion or even more continuing into the infinities that is our makeup and psyche. But I’ll use five lanes for this basic example and there are five cars. The center car represents our submarine… our physical body that is propelled forward through time at a constant rate, and the two cars on both sides of the center one are our emotions, feelings, thoughts, understandings, knowledge, they are our psyche, our consciousness. The five cars are all tied together with a tether that stretches for the span of the highway or our life. So at the beginning of our life our center car which is our body and all the cars on the side of us which are our consciousness are all starting at the same place and going the same speed but as life continues many of our cars might hit speed bumps that shake or slow that part of your mind a bit but ultimately catch back up to the center car. There might be times when your cars go over rough road or the road turns to rocky mountains, and all of the other cars are sluggish and not performing well or keeping up with the center car but I say a lot of these things are what makes us strong and intelligent because ultimately in these cases the side cars get back onto the road or back in their own lane and catch back up to your center physical life car, but then when you are ten years old you witness something horrible, something so horrendous that it traumatizes your little mind. Your center car keeps going but that part of your consciousness hits a road block and the tether starts to stretch out extending back from the center car which is your body continuing to progress forward in life. In severe instances where the car might crash or become completely destroyed I think of these times as when a mental illness might start to show its ugly face in a person. These times don’t go away, they are a part of our being, they are a part of our center car that is being held back by a horrible car wreck. And as life continues to the end of the highway where your center car dies what happens then? What happens to our consciousness when there is no physical submarine propelling us forward? All the tension built up from that never unresolved or unfixed car wreck snaps us back to that or those instances which is ultimately what damns us from progressing any further. This is what ghosts are, traumatized souls that can’t leave an unresolved or unblocked moment in their physical life so they linger in a damned state of being. I wonder how many of us walk around with car wrecks on our souls. So many more than I probably think… Now, when something truly horrible happens I believe that the physical body can even slow. Have you ever seen someone with a dark aura or felt tired or deathly around someone? When people dwell upon traumatizing events in their lives it slowly but surely creates a sickness in the mind. We can go on for innumerable pages over mental illness but I just wanted to touch on it. I just wanted to touch on the fact that thoughts can make us physically sick, can make us mentally sick and kill the soul. Thoughts are as real as a baseball being pitched at your head. They have substance and energy that impact not just ourselves but everyone around us truly in a physical form. That’s why Prophets have exhorted us to be clean in mind, not just our actions but our minds as well. “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” To end this I would like to say a few things about the gospel. I think about Pre. Monson and the Apostles as exactly what they are, seers and revelators. I believe whole heartedly that all of these men have been tried be fire in this life and possibly have had many car wrecks that hindered their eternal progress for a time, however I personally believe that this time in their lives that their side cars, their consciousness’s are not only up right there by the center car but all ahead of it and passing up the very bounds of the end of the highway already only waiting for the physical center car to come to its end so when it does their consciousness’s will not only not be damned but rapidly continue progressing into the next level of this ultimately brilliant masterpiece that is the Plan of Salvation. Their consciousness is not dwelling on the time that they lost a family or close friend, and it is not dwelling on how they are going to look that day, it’s not dwelling at all but it is thinking, it is thinking and pondering on what is beyond us, on what it is when we are away from ourselves in a helicopter that sees our highway from the sky, and sees all the potential and real damning roadblocks and car wrecks of our lives. They see the ways that people and nations and the world and the universe move and understand what needs to happen to prepare those that would listen. They are seers because they are not blocked by emotional trauma, they have had extreme emotional pains but have with eternal help fixed their cars that have crashed, and not only fixed them but gave them jet boosters and wings of new understanding and enlightenment which ultimately led them to the point in which they are now, Prophets of God.
-jake
-jake
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